Thanks, one thing Minty.
You have talent too, but need a little refining - I'm looking forward to reading the rest of that story tomorrow.
By refining I mean that you jump around a lot and don't see to put a lot of effort into finding the best possible sentences.
(I know I don't, but I DO re-write and proofread a ton. Take this sentence and the sentence above for example, I've re-written them about seven times now.)
Any ideas for the name?
The black void around me was coming to an end; the land beneath me seemed like all the work, all the effort, all the pain staking (Painstaking) hours of study, was (Were, was would be used if you had said 'All the painstaking hours of study, all the effort) finally bearing fruit. Only a few more metres (Meters, or is this how you guys spell it?) of the wind gushing around me, only a few more metres until I finally reach (Reached, as in 'I finally reached the work of my life') the work of my life. My arms began to burn, and then SO (Forgot the word 'So') did my legs. The lands (Land's) gravity pulled me down; the thud that emanated from the ground was VERY loud, loud louder THAN anything I’ve (I'd) ever heard. The unconsidered variable of gravity was the unconsidered (One) variable that caused the whole expedition to go awry. (How did it cause the expedition to go awry?) /\/\ PARAGRAPH END!!!!/\/\
“I told you, he’s in a coma (,) (Bold doesn't show apostrophes well) trying to awaken him would only make him fall (Consider 'Sleep more heavily') deeper.” /\/\BREAK IT UP/\/\They think I’m still asleep, (Consider: - why would) why would they care, I always sleep in on non work days. IN FACT, Work (the word alone) made my stomach drop, I know what work is, it’s a given occupation or task that a man or woman must perform, although the problem was, what was my work? (Why is this a problem? I thought the problem was that he didn't like working, at least in these two / three sentences.) /\/\NO PARAGRAPH BREAK!/\/\ “I’m awake," I CALLED OUT. The woman and boy seemed entirely surprised the simple statement. “Why are you in my room?” I ASKED, again the woman and boy showed a surprised expression, which(,) for the boy(,) shortly turned into anger. “Your room? Your room! Our room, our house. We’ve ta-”The boys abrupt rantingBREAKDOWN was quickly hushed by the elderly woman. “Silence, the poor man has obviously been concussed and is suffering memory loss.” “Sorry,” I could tell he was going to get a more sincere punishment later. Memory loss her words came to the forefront of my mind. (Italicized because of this: What does that sentence mean? Just delete it, no difference really) So this wasn’t my house? “Where am I?” I didn’t even know I was worried until I heard the squeak of my voice at the end of that question. (New line for new speaker) “Chestalg, the town may not seem much, and it isn’t, but the people here are as kind as any Upper at Darghen. Although we are not as close to the heart of Minecraft. So we feel the fear. Always.” SHE SAID, HER CREAKY VOICE GROWING SORROWFUL AND A GRIM EXPRESSION MATURING ON HER FACE.
'ANYWAYS,' SHE SAID, HER VOICE AND FACE RETURNING TO NORMAL, 'Tea or coffee?' my (My) stomach was grumbling, AND although neither of the beverages would change that,”Coffee please,” but coffee was always welcome. 'Coffee please.' The scents of the brew were overwhelming, (Use a transition sentence like 'After a while, the scents of the brew grew to be overwhelming to my starved mentality') a few days without much food or drink could make the simplest things more enjoyable. “So when are you heading off?” I stared at the lady with a blank mind, I hadn’t considered leaving but I guess now that it was brought up I would have too. “Today.” And with that I drank my coffee and started packing, well packing the limited items I had. (Name the items) This was going to be hard, even though I had only been here for a while; I had still heard a plenitude of the rumours. Large Venomous Spiders. (Lowercase them!) Dark green beasts. And hordes of undead. With each thought came a pang of hopelessness. So I stopped thinking, and continued packing. I’d travel to the heart of Minecraft,theSINCE THE old lady had said something about IT. the Uppers of Darghen not feeling any fear.I ALSO MADE A MENTAL NOTE TO CHECK OUT DARGHEN, JUST TO SEE WHAT SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT(Not the best sentence, needs refining [My sentence.]) I hadn’t felt theTHIS... ‘fear’ yet but with the passage of time I’m sure I would. After all, even a fool could see the impact that it had on Chestalg. (What impact?) All packed and ready to go(,) I decided that it was best if I just left, I would leave like I came. Without a trace, and without any links. Within minutes Chestalg was just a spec MOTE in the distance, and I was a lone traveller on a long trek.
There are some other errors in here with your um... times... I guess you could call them, something like this: 'I was sure I will' You have a lot of those types of sentences and I don't want to correct all of them, seeing as though it is 2:22. Hope you appreciate this proofread of the first chapter... I'm not doing this again for a while. XD
Haha thanks, in future writing I will need to avoid these mistakes
Thanks for pointing them out. I'm terrible with grammer lol. Must work on that xD!
This story can be set in both a Minecraft world and the Real world, although the animal behaviors and looks are quite realistic. So... I hope this gets some views at least. (This will be done in short [Sometimes long] chapters that go until a certain important event or when the chapter needs a break) This has elements of both Minecraft and the real world!!!
PS: Feedback / thoughts are appreciated, this will keep it on the Front Page, as just viewing will NOT!
Chapter One: Awakening Boom. That's it, just 'Boom'. That's all the young fifteen year old on the beach could remember, that one sound. He was wearing a scrappy blue shirt and some sort of rough cloth-like pants. A small scraggly beard was sprouting from his chin and he wore a scowl as if he had just tasted something unpleasant, which wasn't surprising. As for his skin, he was naturally tanned, a sun kissed tan, not an ugly bleached tan. His eyes were green and seemed to shimmer in the dark, and they managed to perfectly complement his strawberry red hair. Which he wore in a sort of disarranged Mohawk. His smoothed nose can be likened to... well, a smooth nose. And his perfect smile made you feel as though you had just won a million dollars, but could also make you feel like he was a cat and you were a mouse. Rarely.
The sun was slowly rising over the deep blue sea, and it's reflection startled the teenager out of his amazement. He had been trying to remember back to before the boom, and it was giving him a headache. That and something smelled like rotting fish... Finally paying attention to the world, he got up, ignoring the creaks of protest from his bones. From this new angle, someone would say that he looked skinnier than he was - which was actually fairly skinny, while others would say he didn't look skinny, but moody. Whatever he looked like, he didn't care. He had too much going on in his mind. 'Who am I? What is this place? Why am I here? Heck, while I'm at it, Why does the sun look so weird? And why is this sand so hard?!' Actually, why was the sand so hard? He glanced down at the not-so-sandy-sand. It was gravel. 'Ugh!' He had been lying in a dead fish. Now he knew where that smell had been coming from. He straitens himself up and reveals a large patch of dried up blood above his rib cage, as if you had taken about a cup of red dye and thrown it on him. 'Ugh!' He repeated, grimacing. Yet it didn't hurt, and he curiously pried the shirt from his chest - it was hard to get off because of all the dried blood. What he saw there was not surprising, considering it didn't hurt him. He saw tanned, flowing skin pulled over his ribs. He touched the place above his heart and felt the steady beating of it, like a drum. 'Good, I'm not dead. Yet.' He said to himself. As soon as he had finished saying that, his stomach growled rudely. 'Ugh!' He repeated, yet again. It must have been his favorite word.
A few hours later, Jake - what he decided to call himself - had surveyed the land around the gravel beach. He was in the middle of a gigantic lake - a small island in the sea, for all he knew. The only reason Jake believed it to be a lake was because he had seen some land to the East and the West, meaning that he must be encircled by it. The island had about fifteen trees growing in a small grove, underneath a tall hill that had been directly behind him when he had woken up. There was this blackish stuff that stuck out of one of the rockier portions of the hill, and he had made a mental note to check and see what he could do with it later. A spring on the other side of the hill fed a trickling stream that wound and meandered it's way to the lake. Jake had drunken from the spring and found it lukewarm and slightly smelly, like rotten eggs almost. Despite that, it was pleasant water... at least closer to the lake. At the ery top of the hill there was, amazingly, the ruins of an ancient hut. It had a small stone fireplace surrounded by sandstone and a small doorway. A portion of the shelter had worn away, and it was buried almost to the top of its roof. Jake had been walking around when he fell through the overgrown roof and found himself inside the sandstone hut. He assumed it went farther along, but the rest of the hut hand collapsed - he'd done some digging for supplies and had found part of a chest stuck into the dirt, angling away from the doorway. He was currently by where he had fallen into the hut, and was getting ready for bed. His stomach was starting to hurt from the physical abuse throughout the day, and he made a promise to himself that he would find food tomorrow. His last thought before drifting off to sleep was 'Oh wait a second, my name is...'
'AGH!' Echoed around the island, frightening a flock of geese into flight.
Jake had woken up to find himself in the middle of some sort of sand like material. The only thing was that it hadn't been there last night - at least not when Jake had checked. But what had really woken him up was the pig that was currently sitting on his (now muddy) blue shirt.
'Get... OFF! You big pork!' He heaved out as he shoved the heavy creature off of him. 'Ugh...' He took a deep breath, wincing at the ache where his bones were bruised. From the pig.
Suddenly, he coughed, something was in his throat and wouldn't let him breathe!
A large wad of the sand like material finally flew out of his mouth, some dribbling down the side of his chin.
'Um...' Was all Jake could say. The funny thing was that he hadn't felt anything in his throat when he had woken up. Was it possible that he inhaled all of that from the air? That's a lot to take in without seeing or feeling anything.
His mind stumbled on an unpleasant possibility... Did it... grow in my throat...? No! What a STUPID idea! Hahahaha... nervous laughter...
His Mohawk was messed up and now it looked like he had a red wig on. Except the wig was a fox or a small kitten, and constantly tried to stir up trouble.
It was only now that Jake noticed he was up to his ankles in the sand, and for some reason, it was itching him. He quickly stepped out of the... perfect circle and brushed any loose bits of sand off. As he bent down to brush at the particles, he noticed that he was standing in the sand, again.
'What the...?'
He wasn't in the middle, and he hadn't moved...
The only solution to the problem...
'I can TELEPORT!' Jake yells, causing the pig that had been watching all of this to flee, tripping over a small, mysteriously placed root.
Meanwhile, Jake was trying to teleport again. 'Nghhh...' He huffed.
Nothing.
Opening his closed eyes, he notices something slightly disturbing...
The sand had gotten bigger - it now covered the entire ruin's roof (Or so Jake guessed) and he could see it creeping even farther.
'Wait, so that means I can't teleport?'
(Sorry for the TINY update)
Although that may just be me, If this is fixed I can't wait to read it!
Well said, fellow, well said! The main thing is to keep writing and writing, adding new content, but keep making it new and fresh, it gets boring writing a recycled story, and it's even worse to read. Even if people say it's horrible, there's pretty much always somebody out there who will enjoy your writing, I know I did, unless it's something like "LOL I sUcK b4wl5zzz..."
This post put me off reading your story. Write because you want to, not because people want you to. Yes, it is a wonderful feeling when people appreciate it, but that doesn't mean you have to keep writing.
Yes, it's a horrible feeling when people don't appreciate it, but that doesn't mean you have to stop writing. Write because you enjoy it, and you'll get better. If you stop because people don't seem to like it, you'll never be able to have people like it. I definitely get it though, creative artists are far too critical about their own works. It's just the way we, as people, are. Even I was critical about my own works, and I still am. The only difference is, I never had any intentions of stopping my work just because I didn't get positive feedback.
I fully agree with everything that you said, and at the time that I wrote that I was desperate for feedback, the whole point of this thread was so I could get better, and I have, I didn't stop writing although I just got bored of the theme. I knew that If I was bored of my own story almost every one else would have. So I posted that for opinion and really regret it, I enjoyed writing so I shouldn't stress about what others think. As I said before this thread was made to get help, and for me to improve. And I have, I've continued writing and whenever I do, I always consider weather dog's suggestion about the comma's (Thanks weather dog!) I did decide to end this story though, as it was getting boring, and I moved on to better things. I hope to sometime next year make a wordpress Blog with a compilation of my stories. Thankyou so much to everyone that posted in this thread and helped me out, and to people like Dawned and Weather Dog that gave me help.
I dig a vaguely spiral tunnel straight down 'till I hit the TOP of the bedrock, then expand outward in each direction, and above me as far as I can reach. Stone quarry + boatloads of redstone and lapis, and the occasional smattering of gold or diamonds. Oh, and iron, obviously. Hidden lava lakes keeps things interesting
::EDIT::
I only do this when I need massive amounts of stone. If I'm just fiddling around, I stick to the natural caves. Tunneling to the bedrock kinda feels like cheating to me. (Not passing judgement on those who do. To each their own!)
I used to tunnel straight down alot but then I just ended up getting diamonds and gold and things far to quickly, so i decided to slow down and just enjoy the long mines.
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Haha I agree
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Haha thanks, in future writing I will need to avoid these mistakes
Thanks for pointing them out. I'm terrible with grammer lol. Must work on that xD!
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Great story, you wrote it very well. Can't wait for the newer additions!
Plus one'd.
On my favourites bar.
And followed.
Well done, keep it up
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First things first: DISCLAIMER:
This story can be set in both a Minecraft world and the Real world, although the animal behaviors and looks are quite realistic.
So...
I hope this gets some views at least.
(This will be done in short [Sometimes long] chapters that go until a certain important event or when the chapter needs a break)
This has elements of both Minecraft and the real world!!!
PS: Feedback / thoughts are appreciated, this will keep it on the Front Page, as just viewing will NOT!
Chapter One: Awakening
Boom.
That's it, just 'Boom'.
That's all the young fifteen year old on the beach could remember, that one sound.
He was wearing a scrappy blue shirt and some sort of rough cloth-like pants. A small scraggly beard was sprouting from his chin and he wore a scowl as if he had just tasted something unpleasant, which wasn't surprising.
As for his skin, he was naturally tanned, a sun kissed tan, not an ugly bleached tan. His eyes were green and seemed to shimmer in the dark, and they managed to perfectly complement his strawberry red hair.
Which he wore in a sort of disarranged Mohawk. His smoothed nose can be likened to... well, a smooth nose. And his perfect smile made you feel as though you had just won a million dollars, but could also make you feel like he was a cat and you were a mouse. Rarely.
The sun was slowly rising over the deep blue sea, and it's reflection startled the teenager out of his amazement. He had been trying to remember back to before the boom, and it was giving him a headache. That and something smelled like rotting fish...
Finally paying attention to the world, he got up, ignoring the creaks of protest from his bones.
From this new angle, someone would say that he looked skinnier than he was - which was actually fairly skinny, while others would say he didn't look skinny, but moody.
Whatever he looked like, he didn't care. He had too much going on in his mind.
'Who am I? What is this place? Why am I here? Heck, while I'm at it, Why does the sun look so weird? And why is this sand so hard?!'
Actually, why was the sand so hard?
He glanced down at the not-so-sandy-sand. It was gravel.
'Ugh!' He had been lying in a dead fish.
Now he knew where that smell had been coming from. He straitens himself up and reveals a large patch of dried up blood above his rib cage, as if you had taken about a cup of red dye and thrown it on him.
'Ugh!' He repeated, grimacing. Yet it didn't hurt, and he curiously pried the shirt from his chest - it was hard to get off because of all the dried blood.
What he saw there was not surprising, considering it didn't hurt him. He saw tanned, flowing skin pulled over his ribs.
He touched the place above his heart and felt the steady beating of it, like a drum. 'Good, I'm not dead. Yet.' He said to himself.
As soon as he had finished saying that, his stomach growled rudely.
'Ugh!' He repeated, yet again. It must have been his favorite word.
A few hours later, Jake - what he decided to call himself - had surveyed the land around the gravel beach.
He was in the middle of a gigantic lake - a small island in the sea, for all he knew. The only reason Jake believed it to be a lake was because he had seen some land to the East and the West, meaning that he must be encircled by it. The island had about fifteen trees growing in a small grove, underneath a tall hill that had been directly behind him when he had woken up. There was this blackish stuff that stuck out of one of the rockier portions of the hill, and he had made a mental note to check and see what he could do with it later. A spring on the other side of the hill fed a trickling stream that wound and meandered it's way to the lake. Jake had drunken from the spring and found it lukewarm and slightly smelly, like rotten eggs almost. Despite that, it was pleasant water... at least closer to the lake. At the ery top of the hill there was, amazingly, the ruins of an ancient hut. It had a small stone fireplace surrounded by sandstone and a small doorway. A portion of the shelter had worn away, and it was buried almost to the top of its roof. Jake had been walking around when he fell through the overgrown roof and found himself inside the sandstone hut. He assumed it went farther along, but the rest of the hut hand collapsed - he'd done some digging for supplies and had found part of a chest stuck into the dirt, angling away from the doorway.
He was currently by where he had fallen into the hut, and was getting ready for bed. His stomach was starting to hurt from the physical abuse throughout the day, and he made a promise to himself that he would find food tomorrow.
His last thought before drifting off to sleep was 'Oh wait a second, my name is...'
'AGH!' Echoed around the island, frightening a flock of geese into flight.
Jake had woken up to find himself in the middle of some sort of sand like material. The only thing was that it hadn't been there last night - at least not when Jake had checked. But what had really woken him up was the pig that was currently sitting on his (now muddy) blue shirt.
'Get... OFF! You big pork!' He heaved out as he shoved the heavy creature off of him. 'Ugh...' He took a deep breath, wincing at the ache where his bones were bruised. From the pig.
Suddenly, he coughed, something was in his throat and wouldn't let him breathe!
A large wad of the sand like material finally flew out of his mouth, some dribbling down the side of his chin.
'Um...' Was all Jake could say. The funny thing was that he hadn't felt anything in his throat when he had woken up. Was it possible that he inhaled all of that from the air? That's a lot to take in without seeing or feeling anything.
His mind stumbled on an unpleasant possibility...
Did it... grow in my throat...? No! What a STUPID idea! Hahahaha... nervous laughter...
His Mohawk was messed up and now it looked like he had a red wig on. Except the wig was a fox or a small kitten, and constantly tried to stir up trouble.
It was only now that Jake noticed he was up to his ankles in the sand, and for some reason, it was itching him. He quickly stepped out of the... perfect circle and brushed any loose bits of sand off. As he bent down to brush at the particles, he noticed that he was standing in the sand, again.
'What the...?'
He wasn't in the middle, and he hadn't moved...
The only solution to the problem...
'I can TELEPORT!' Jake yells, causing the pig that had been watching all of this to flee, tripping over a small, mysteriously placed root.
Meanwhile, Jake was trying to teleport again. 'Nghhh...' He huffed.
Nothing.
Opening his closed eyes, he notices something slightly disturbing...
The sand had gotten bigger - it now covered the entire ruin's roof (Or so Jake guessed) and he could see it creeping even farther.
'Wait, so that means I can't teleport?'
(Sorry for the TINY update)
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I fully agree with everything that you said, and at the time that I wrote that I was desperate for feedback, the whole point of this thread was so I could get better, and I have, I didn't stop writing although I just got bored of the theme. I knew that If I was bored of my own story almost every one else would have. So I posted that for opinion and really regret it, I enjoyed writing so I shouldn't stress about what others think. As I said before this thread was made to get help, and for me to improve. And I have, I've continued writing and whenever I do, I always consider weather dog's suggestion about the comma's (Thanks weather dog!) I did decide to end this story though, as it was getting boring, and I moved on to better things. I hope to sometime next year make a wordpress Blog with a compilation of my stories. Thankyou so much to everyone that posted in this thread and helped me out, and to people like Dawned and Weather Dog that gave me help.
Thanks!
~Minty
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I do that heaps but usually at the 12th layer.
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Lots of people seem to do that, i've found it extremely useful.
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My username is minty115
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Thankyou so much, I shall try
Have a great Easter!
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I used to tunnel straight down alot but then I just ended up getting diamonds and gold and things far to quickly, so i decided to slow down and just enjoy the long mines.