So a little while back, maybe 3 weeks ago, my english teacher assigned a water bottle essay. He wanted us to capture how it could be symbolic to life and world issues. I got it back, and got a B on it due to some purposely inserted fragment sentences (to make it sound more powerful). Now, the reason I am sharing this essay with the community is to gather your opinions on it. I would like to have multiple points of view on how I did.
The plastic of a water bottle is made by man, yet it contains the essence to all life and things on Earth. This thin, flexible membrane, trusted to hold the water in it’s prison, is produced by man. The water inside is symbolic to nature, forests, frogs, water, and even the famous Narwhal, while the clear membrane barrier is symbolic to everything man. Boats, cities, twinkies, and the whole other plethora of artificial extremities.
As water tries to break out of it’s bonds and become free again, the non biodegrading time bomb known as plastic keeps it’s dreams from being achieved. Nature is being used up, trashed, burnt, cut, poisoned, and destroyed by this plastic, these humans. The great plains of industry and New York City are comparable to massive walls, walls that surround lakes, forests, and wild life, and slowly engulfs them. This undeniable war between man and nature goes on, nature trying to break out, to take over, to flood the earth with it’s raw power - but all that is in it’s way is the simple plastic membrane. A plastic membrane architecturally designed to hold more, and waste less, but to what extent? Less can be recycled, and more can be thrown away, since the guilt is cut out slowly like slicing cheese for your sandwich. A particularly yummy sandwich with ignorance sauce, all encased in processed white bread. Those sandwiches draw people in to make rash decisions without thinking of the environment first. The nature.
These humans are all participants in building the symbolic plastic membrane. The membrane that is covered with a sleeve full of propaganda ********. It advertises how the water comes from pretty springs surrounded by trees. How it melts from the white caps of majestic mountains. All bull. This water is bottled in manmade facilities, shipped out in trucks, that sicken the land further, and delivered to unsanitary Safeway's around the country. Nature can’t resist. We have brains. Intelligence, and memory. Water is a simple bond of two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atom. But something so small, so simple, can destroy such a wide variety of things. It can amass and flood cities, create whirlpools that sink ships, all the way down to rusting someone’s new mountain bike. But can it biodegrade the clear membrane of man? Can it break through, and will it ever break through? Will it ever win? No.
The powers of water has the potential to destroy everything but the insignificant membrane of a water bottle. The membrane that so well sums up the human race. What we have relied on for so long, what has kept us alive and well, which is also a necessity of sanitation, is the cause of a chain of problems causing an epidemic, the ticking time bomb, of pollution and plastic.
This took me roughly 2 and a half hours to write and flesh out. Discuss, if you please.
I would have given you a B, maybe a B+ depending on the other students, because there are a few mistakes, and (as you said purposefully) fragmented sentences, along with no paragraphs. I also thought the "bullcrap" stuff you put in took away some of the power in the essay.
I would have given you a B, maybe a B+ depending on the other students, because there are a few mistakes, and (as you said purposefully) fragmented sentences, along with no paragraphs. I also thought the "bullcrap" stuff you put in took away some of the power in the essay.
I warned you of the mistakes...and yea....forgot about that ******** part. This was written a while ago, I was more or less a different person then.
Most people didn't bother to use paragraphs, because it looks nice when you don't paste it into BBcode :wink.gif:
As water tries to break out of it’s bonds and become free again, the non biodegrading time bomb known as plastic keeps it’s dreams from being achieved. Nature is being used up, trashed, burnt, cut, poisoned, and destroyed by this plastic, these humans. The great plains of industry and New York City are comparable to massive walls, walls that surround lakes, forests, and wild life, and slowly engulfs them. This undeniable war between man and nature goes on, nature trying to break out, to take over, to flood the earth with it’s raw power - but all that is in it’s way is the simple plastic membrane. A plastic membrane architecturally designed to hold more, and waste less, but to what extent? Less can be recycled, and more can be thrown away, since the guilt is cut out slowly like slicing cheese for your sandwich. A particularly yummy sandwich with ignorance sauce, all encased in processed white bread. Those sandwiches draw people in to make rash decisions without thinking of the environment first. The nature.
These humans are all participants in building the symbolic plastic membrane. The membrane that is covered with a sleeve full of propaganda ********. It advertises how the water comes from pretty springs surrounded by trees. How it melts from the white caps of majestic mountains. All bull. This water is bottled in manmade facilities, shipped out in trucks, that sicken the land further, and delivered to unsanitary Safeway's around the country. Nature can’t resist. We have brains. Intelligence, and memory. Water is a simple bond of two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atom. But something so small, so simple, can destroy such a wide variety of things. It can amass and flood cities, create whirlpools that sink ships, all the way down to rusting someone’s new mountain bike. But can it biodegrade the clear membrane of man? Can it break through, and will it ever break through? Will it ever win? No.
The powers of water has the potential to destroy everything but the insignificant membrane of a water bottle. The membrane that so well sums up the human race. What we have relied on for so long, what has kept us alive and well, which is also a necessity of sanitation, is the cause of a chain of problems causing an epidemic, the ticking time bomb, of pollution and plastic.
This took me roughly 2 and a half hours to write and flesh out. Discuss, if you please.
Yea, looks better on Pages then BBcode. I will work on that right now.
I warned you of the mistakes...and yea....forgot about that ******** part. This was written a while ago, I was more or less a different person then.
Most people didn't bother to use paragraphs, because it looks nice when you don't paste it into BBcode :wink.gif: