It is 9049, The very essence of the human race is hanging on a thread. One day in 8306, A strange meteor landed. Its power seemed to spread through the earth where it crashed. Out of the ground came a monster, It was powerful, It made minions to help it. They spread the power through the world and soon the humans had no choice but to somehow get off the planet. A group of scientists called ‘Group Ninety Twelve’ were trying to find a way off, When they created a portal to another world. It was like a paradise. Humans moved to it and eventually settled down thinking the war against the monster was over. But no, Just when they were making towns the power of the corrupt earth reopened the portal. It spread through the new world and humans moved to the other side. The power was gaining to them, Very slow, devouring everything in its path. A group of soldiers called ‘Group AB12HK’ were sent out to find and defeat the monster. It is the present day.
Chapter 1
A discovery
As the group walked along the path returning to the sky city after returning from a little fly around the world, Max said “MAN did you see how cool that flip i did was?” Rob responded “Yeah stop bragging,” “I bet YOU couldn’t do a flip as well as i did.” Replied Max. “Oh yeah,? I bet i could.” Said Rob. “Race ya to the pods!” Said Max. As the two soldiers got into their pods they had a little race around the town. “OH NO IM GETTING BLOWN OFF THE ATMOSPHERE!” Screamed Max. “I’m coming!” Said Rob. Max finally stopped screaming. “Max?” Said Rob. “Uggggh’ Groaned Max” “Yay! Max! At least your alive.” Said Rob. “Yeah yeah i’m alive just wounded.” Replied Max. “Well anyways how’d you get blown off?” said Rob. “Well my brake peddle wasn’t working. Must’ve gotten jammed. I think the course i took shook it off. Along with my stomach,” said Max. Rob giggled a bit. “Hey whats that over there,” said Max in a slightly dazed voice. “Whats what?” asked Rob. “That big brown thing over there,” said Max. “i’m gonna go check it out” said Max. It was the corrupt earth, No wonder it opened the portal again! Max and Rob went back to the city and got Max to a healing station. While he was healing Rob went to the council to tell them about earth being so close. When Rob was just walking out of the room, Max bumped into him with a few bags of shopping. “Erm,” said Max. “Wrong time, wrong place.” Rob nodded his head and continued walking. They got home with the rest of the group, Jenny was sitting on the sofa drinking some cola, Ben was working on the TV, George was just coming out of the training room. Ben said “All done!” as he flipped on the TV. Jenny said “What took so long to get rid of the bug?” “Well not a bug, A cord just got unplugged.” replied Ben. “And that took you so long because,..?” said Jenny. “Do you KNOW how many cords are back here?” said Ben. “Point taken.” replied Jenny.’ Max walked into the room with a few more bags then Rob had seen him with. “Hey guys!” said Max cheerfully. “So i see you got fixed up nice.” said George. “Yep.” replied Max. “Whats in the bag?” said Jenny. “Oh, Nothing,...” replied Max. “No. Tell me.” said Jenny. “OH FINE. Its my laundry.” replied Max. The whole room burst into laughter.
I like it but there is lots of mistakes
for when people are talking, it's " not '
for things like gettin you need a ' so it is gettin' or just do getting
and you made a bunch of grammar mistakes
also you need more detail, not all just talking but more explaining the surroundings and what people are thinking.
If the portal was still able to be opened, why wouldn't they completely destroy it?
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"Against all the evil that Hell can conjure, all the wickedness that mankind can produce; We will send unto them... only you."
Colored text indicates in-character statements/actions. Because Forum Games has basically just been a big open RP for a long time now and it's the only place I ever post anymore, when I post at all.
That's why we're making suggestions to improve it.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
"Against all the evil that Hell can conjure, all the wickedness that mankind can produce; We will send unto them... only you."
Colored text indicates in-character statements/actions. Because Forum Games has basically just been a big open RP for a long time now and it's the only place I ever post anymore, when I post at all.
The term 'WIP' lets us know that you are working on it, so improvements should be expected to be made.
I recommend sorting your grammar out, get a friend or helpful family member (or another member of this forums) to help you out, and also format your work properly. It's a new line or paragraph for direct speech (I forget which, forgive me), and you need to put a capital at the start of a sentence.
I mean christ, if you're using an up-to-date internet browser there's probably red lines telling you what's wrong anyway!
TL;DR Please sort out your grammar, and your punctuation. You can't 'wow' anyone with a story if it looks like you shat on the page.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
If you can't strive for perfection, what can you strive for?
PROLOGUE
It is 9049, The very essence of the human race is hanging on a thread. One day in 8306, A strange meteor landed. Its power seemed to spread through the earth where it crashed. Out of the ground came a monster, It was powerful, It made minions to help it. They spread the power through the world and soon the humans had no choice but to somehow get off the planet. A group of scientists called ‘Group Ninety Twelve’ were trying to find a way off, When they created a portal to another world. It was like a paradise. Humans moved to it and eventually settled down thinking the war against the monster was over. But no, Just when they were making towns the power of the corrupt earth reopened the portal. It spread through the new world and humans moved to the other side. The power was gaining to them, Very slow, devouring everything in its path. A group of soldiers called ‘Group AB12HK’ were sent out to find and defeat the monster. It is the present day.
Chapter 1
A discovery
As the group walked along the path returning to the sky city after returning from a little fly around the world, Max said “MAN did you see how cool that flip i did was?” Rob responded “Yeah stop bragging,” “I bet YOU couldn’t do a flip as well as i did.” Replied Max. “Oh yeah,? I bet i could.” Said Rob. “Race ya to the pods!” Said Max. As the two soldiers got into their pods they had a little race around the town. “OH NO IM GETTING BLOWN OFF THE ATMOSPHERE!” Screamed Max. “I’m coming!” Said Rob. Max finally stopped screaming. “Max?” Said Rob. “Uggggh’ Groaned Max” “Yay! Max! At least your alive.” Said Rob. “Yeah yeah i’m alive just wounded.” Replied Max. “Well anyways how’d you get blown off?” said Rob. “Well my brake peddle wasn’t working. Must’ve gotten jammed. I think the course i took shook it off. Along with my stomach,” said Max. Rob giggled a bit. “Hey whats that over there,” said Max in a slightly dazed voice. “Whats what?” asked Rob. “That big brown thing over there,” said Max. “i’m gonna go check it out” said Max. It was the corrupt earth, No wonder it opened the portal again! Max and Rob went back to the city and got Max to a healing station. While he was healing Rob went to the council to tell them about earth being so close. When Rob was just walking out of the room, Max bumped into him with a few bags of shopping. “Erm,” said Max. “Wrong time, wrong place.” Rob nodded his head and continued walking. They got home with the rest of the group, Jenny was sitting on the sofa drinking some cola, Ben was working on the TV, George was just coming out of the training room. Ben said “All done!” as he flipped on the TV. Jenny said “What took so long to get rid of the bug?” “Well not a bug, A cord just got unplugged.” replied Ben. “And that took you so long because,..?” said Jenny. “Do you KNOW how many cords are back here?” said Ben. “Point taken.” replied Jenny.’ Max walked into the room with a few more bags then Rob had seen him with. “Hey guys!” said Max cheerfully. “So i see you got fixed up nice.” said George. “Yep.” replied Max. “Whats in the bag?” said Jenny. “Oh, Nothing,...” replied Max. “No. Tell me.” said Jenny. “OH FINE. Its my laundry.” replied Max. The whole room burst into laughter.
Did I help? Press the (+) to the right, thanks.
for when people are talking, it's " not '
for things like gettin you need a ' so it is gettin' or just do getting
and you made a bunch of grammar mistakes
also you need more detail, not all just talking but more explaining the surroundings and what people are thinking.
If the portal was still able to be opened, why wouldn't they completely destroy it?
That's why we're making suggestions to improve it.
I recommend sorting your grammar out, get a friend or helpful family member (or another member of this forums) to help you out, and also format your work properly. It's a new line or paragraph for direct speech (I forget which, forgive me), and you need to put a capital at the start of a sentence.
I mean christ, if you're using an up-to-date internet browser there's probably red lines telling you what's wrong anyway!
TL;DR Please sort out your grammar, and your punctuation. You can't 'wow' anyone with a story if it looks like you shat on the page.
Also, I have no idea what went on in the 2nd paragraph, although your definite main grammatical error lies in punctuation of the dialogue.