Some say I was mad. I say I was merely distracted. Despite numerous and wholehearted warnings from the advancing crowd, I knew. I knew, deep within, that it had to be done. The mission could not fail. The time to execute the master plan was truly imminent. I say it was the moment of truth. I struck out, and I resolved that this would be the day. The day that the monstrocity would finally be put to an end.
I embarked. Though hindered by the raging koalas, I trudged on. I became weary. I became numb. But I persevered, for all that I was worth. And at last I made it to the source. Rhubarbs - the source of all that I despise. I unhinged my shellfish and prepared to do battle. None could stop me now. I was in my element.
And so I took action. I whipped the shellfish left and right, up and down, back and around. But the rhubarb was evasive; I missed with every shot. My projectiles were of no use. So I resorted to what I thought it would never come to. For what I have been slammed down and harshly criticized ever since. I let it fall. Endlessly it plumments now, eternally unhindered. The rhubarb will never sleep. It will never dream. It will never regain its freedom, for it cannot resign.
I've told you my story, and I told you why I had to do what I had. Lend me your sympathy: adrenaline can so easily minimize the rational thoughts to which we would otherwise cling so strongly. I beseech you.
With vivid horror I proclaim that day's triumph to you. I was casually advancing my footfalls that evening when I spotted, on the ground beside me, the greatest wonder, a piece of tree worth an astounding five dollars! At first I was reluctant - should I transfer it to the local department of law for inspection? Surely a bill of this capacity was not legit. Yes; I had heard about the counterfeits. But what if it belonged to a great man who was now made to live without a home for his such unfortunate loss? Alas. I knew what was required of me. I trudged onward toward the department of the law and closed my eyes and turned my head away and extended my arm with the fortune positioned in a pose of forfeit. The officer behind the desk undoubtedly wore a look of contempt. Who, other than a shameful theif, would come in carrying such an enviable prize? Suddenly a thought entranced my mind. The officer behind the desk would do nought but keep the good to himself. I felt the bill leave my hand. I still couldn't watch. I heard the officer place the bill on the counter. I heard the officer take out a magnifying glass, a quill, and a light. I hurd the light buzz to life and I heard the soft intruiged grunts coming from the man's wicked theiving mind. Oh, I knew what he was up to. They had enough false bills behind that desk to fill my jumbo piggy-bank. He was going to replace my obviously pure grandeur with a lie! I looked. I was astonished. This was not possible. The five had grown legs and had grown arms, and had even developed a piercing set of bloodshot eyeballs. His glare was engrained in my memory for the remainder of my life. If only it had remained for long! The bill leaped clear the desk and scurried out of the door of the department of the law. It was loose; it was wild. And I prayed dearly that none others would find the same fate as the officer behind the counter. I threw up then, just thinking about the poor fellow and his fate. I vomited blood. I could see the five standing unfalteringly still across the street. Staring at me. Glaring at me. I continued to puke. Laughing at me. I wiped my mouth with my sleeve. Ever glaring. I looked away. Its sharp gaze penetrated my sanity, and I broke. I died. The blackness overcame my vision, the silence filled my ears. The numbness conquered my joints, the reek of fetid flesh occupied my nostrils, and the distinct taste of death flooded my mouth. This was the grave. But it was my soul which died that day. My body was sickened and damaged utterly. I became a man without a soul. Without a heart. Without a will. I write this on the only parchment I could find, using the only ink in this realm, avoiding the flames and hiding my effort at freedom. I am present in Hades and the others are now coming to interrupt me. Blast them, they think this is all a joke. I scrawl quickly now; if this message makes its way to you, its recipient, I beg you to do exactly as I write. You must first inscribe the emblem of charity upon a blank square of papyrus, and then sprinkle onto it a dash of paprika. Then you must mix the papyrus with the emblem and the paprika together with an ounce of flour, one half an ounce of water, just a bit of salt, some drops of honey, and a bit of yeast. Heat it upon open flame for exactly fourteen minutes, and the objective will be done. Hasten now, for I don't know how long my soul can survive the torment.