A spotlight randomly appears. A humanoid figure rises from it. The figure steps out of the spotlight, revealing itself to be a KVA assassin. I rush into the area and kick the assassin back to the Advanced Warfare universe.
"That was strange," I say. "So, what did I miss?"
I choose Fighter.
I then shout, "THIS TECHNIQUE HAS BEEN PASSED DOWN THE ARMSTRONG LINE FOR GENERATIONS!" and punch the tank in a very manly fashion. My hand breaks, so I cry like a baby. The tears flood a napalm blaster, causing it to malfunction and explode Michael Bay style.
"Since you enjoyed that quest SO much, I'll send you on another one!" I send the tank on a second adventure to find the REAL treasure! (The napalm blasters will get damaged first, then the main body and secondary cannons.)
PART SIX: THE SCP FOUNDATION
I teleport it into the SCP Foundation's base. Its napalms cause containment breaches of everything. It is promptly assaulted by all the SCPs of Site 19. It escapes, only to run into several MTFs that fire their guns at it. It kills the MTFs, then rolls out but discovers that the entire area is under the effect of a reality warping SCP! OH CRAP! The central nuclear bomb in the station explodes, destroying all the SCPs and flinging the tank all the way to Mars!
PART SEVEN: THE MARTIAN LANDSCAPE
On Mars, several robots attack it for trespassing! The robots damage the tank severely! It finally defeats the robots and tries to go back to the training area, but... SUDDENLY, Earth fires a ton of lightspeed missiles, blowing up the tank! The tank barely survives, but is forced to return to Earth through.. a portal? The portal leads to Destroy the Tower, where nothing is happening! It goes back through the portal and lands in a pit of lava! It melts in the lava. The badly damaged tank moves on to the next area...
PART EIGHT POINT ONE: DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE
It turns out to be the DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE universe! After taking massive damage and not being able to do anything, it teleports to...
PART EIGHT POINT TWO: CAT SUPERMAN 64
The CAT SUPERMAN 64 universe! After dying several thousand times to random things, it finally wins the first level and gets sent to...
PART EIGHT POINT THREE: FIVE NIGHTS AT FREDDY'S
Freddy Fazbear's Pizzeria! The animatronics all rush it and start damaging it! The tank finally runs them all over and the tank ends up in...
PART EIGHT POINT FOUR: I WANNA BE THE GUY
The world of I Wanna Be The Guy! The tank is immediately crushed by even more apples, replaying the traumatic memories of being in an IWBTG game in its head! It ends up in...
PART EIGHT POINT FIVE: DESTROY THE GODMODDER II
The world of DTG2, alternate universe so it still doesn't affect the actual thread! King Ikea immediately mistakes the tank for a Player and throws it into the Void, where it lands on...
PART EIGHT POINT SIX: MONOPOLY
A Monopoly board! It goes bankrupt immediately and is nearly decommissioned, but...
PART EIGHT POINT SEVEN: E.T.
It ends up in the world of ET for the Atari 2600! It falls into a pit, but the pit turns into...
PART EIGHT POINT EIGHT: ANTICHAMBER
The world of Antichamber! It immediately falls down the pit at Don't Look Down and hits the ground, taking massive damage due to it not being the player character of Antichamber! It goes up the elevator and lands in...
PART EIGHT POINT NINE: THE STANLEY PARABLE
The Stanley Parable! The Narrator immediately states that the tank is impeding the progress of the story, and teleports it out of the world!
PART EIGHT POINT TEN: ESCAPE FROM GENERIC ESCAPE GAME
It lands in some random escape game! It rams into the wall several times trying to break it down, but the wall cannot be damaged! Solving the puzzle requires taking massive damage from all sources possible, so it solves the puzzle, taking massive damage in the process, then escapes!
PART NINE: THE ARCADE (AGAIN)
The tank ends up in the arcade, where it is forced to play NetHack blindfolded, with no telepathy and zero memory! It dies every time, taking damage from newts! It is renamed Dudley for dying to newts 50,000,000 times! Finally, it beats the game out of sheer randomness... and is forced to play Cat Mario/Syobon Action...BLINDFOLDED! It dies instantly!
PART TEN: THE EPIC PIT OF UNCROSSABILITY
The tank then ends up on one side of the pit. On the other side is a door, leading back to the training area! However, there is a bridge that it is too heavy to cross! It tries to go into the pit, but it is infinite! It tries to jump over the pit, but it falls into the near-infinite void...
PART ELEVEN: THE FINALE
The tank lands in the testing area, falls through the floor and lands in a pit of chlorine trifluoride! It is burned and dissolved by the chlorine trifluoride! Its remains are lifted to the surface, revealing that it went through 10 different games and various other worlds!
"You really liked that, didn't you? I'll make sure to send you on a third adventure!"
I love the smell of napalm in the morning. I love it so much, that a giant nose suddenly appears and inhales the Napalm Blasters! The nose stays still for a few seconds, then snorts the Napalm Blasters back out. They are covered in slime and it is really gross for everyone involved. Suddenly, the slime explodes, catching everyone by surprise!
I repeat my ignored attack last turn. IT will be used on the Napalm Blasters guarding the tank.
I shuffle into front-line position and bodyguard CobaltShade. Any hits must go through me in order to hit Cobalt.
I then proceed to give the Tank a late Christmas present: A Lightning rod. Naturally, a billion lightning bolts immediately strike the pants straight off of the Napalm Cannons, or the tank itself if the Napalm Blasters fail to fight them. I then give it another late present as an apology: A deadly laser beam. I forgot to turn it off, though, so it slices the Napalm Blasters/Tank with it's deadliness. As an apology for the apology, I give the Tank yet another gift: a wild Suicune! The Suicune doesn't appreciate the new owner and Hydro Pumps the tank in some parts that really don't appreciate water. As an apology for the apology of the apology, I give the Tank another apology gift in the form of a hundred gold coins. The instantly seethes in rage at the money, considering what happened last time, and as the tank is inevitably robbed, it literally blows off some gaskets from its internal systems.
The tank, on top of the damage it took, is now Berserk, hitting for 1.25 bonus damage, but having a (increased) fail chance (1/3rd) due to it's rage. This goes for all of its subsidiary units as well, so the Napalm Blasters and Secondary Cannons are also affected.
I join in as a mage and see the tank attacking my friends.
"Magic missile! .... Magic missile!....MAGIC MISSILE! MAGIC MISSILE MAGIC MISSILE MAGIC MISSILE! ARGGHHHH! *throws staff on ground which bounces into the barrel from where it fires jamming it effectively*
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
If you are seeing this, you are qualified to win.....nothing! Have a nice day! You might wanna click these!
Daw! A B-!?
Bottom of the lake. Nothing past here.
W-W-W-W--W--W-W--W-WW-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W
-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W
You can win guys! Beat him! Destroy that pyramid! You may need to smoke him out... Go to the top room, and say the decoded words...."MSEKO VLIES"
I summon a massive cauldron, and begin chanting. I put in eye of newt, dragon's tail, spider's leg, arm of TT2000, heart of baboon, and whatever other junk it is they use to make potions in cauldrons. I teleport the most injured player to me, and show them the potion. They dread having to drink that, until I take a box of bandages out of my back pocket and stick one on them, healing them through magic. I then take the potion, which also happens to be a powerful acid, and pour it on the tank.
I then fire akimbo Stinger M7s at the tank, only instead of firing rockets, the Stingers instead fire actual gigantic bee stingers dipped in poisonous acid. They immediately home in on the tank.
I teleport the Tank to a session of TTT, where it must win in every role (and play a very critical part each time) to escape. Except this is a Pro MLG level sever and the tank isn't even remotely familiar with Garry's Mod, so it takes an eternity to stop being Jihaded, C4'd, falling for traps (that are sometimes his own), figuring out the ins and outs of the weapons, not accusing the detective of being a tratior, shoddy ladder physics, and so on. By the time its over and the tank miraculously emerges victorious once in every roll, the TTT players get so mad for the intrusion they invade the red base; the tratiors and detective give credit weapons out to everyone somehow, and they all attack with super-powerful weapons like the AWP, M3, Phantom, Hydra, and C4. Then a Tratior pulls out a surprise Jihad, killing everyone (including himself), damaging the tank further, and winning the tratiors the round, which spawns them back in the server.
I quickly run back to the TF2 server for a moment and grab a Quick-Fix, healing up kadoink.
I introduce Napalm Man to the Napalm Blasters! Hailing from the world of Mega Man, he has achieved complete mastery over the art of napalm, and completely annihilates the Blasters. They bow down to him.
+4 HP to Kadoink! 1 damage to each of the napalm blasters! +4 XP!
Note that, while you can attack and heal at the same time, the effectiveness of both tends to be reduced in doing so.
I get a canon. It fires LIQUID NITROGEN at the Napalm Blasters. They freeze over them. I then get SHADOW FRACTAL and split into multiple copies and slice the blasters, shattering them!
I then realize the correct definition of canon, revert my attack, shoot an orb with power equal to the revert, and whack that orb with the DEFINITION OF THE WORD CANON into the blasters!
6 damage to two of the blasters! +3 XP! If you meant to use the freeze spell, you're going to need to tell me for sure that you use it.
I interpret "napalm blaster" as a blaster made of napalm, so I set one on fire with a match and wait for it to burn out. It takes a lot longer than I thought it would, but eventually I look away from my Cards Against Humanity solitairesweeper game to pass the time and find that the napalm blaster is more of an ash blaster than a napalm blaster. By which I mean blaster made of ash, not a blaster that fires ash. That would be stupid.
20 damage to a napalm blaster! Napalm blaster destroyed! +11 XP!
A spotlight randomly appears. A humanoid figure rises from it. The figure steps out of the spotlight, revealing itself to be a KVA assassin. I rush into the area and kick the assassin back to the Advanced Warfare universe.
"That was strange," I say. "So, what did I miss?"
I choose Fighter.
I then shout, "THIS TECHNIQUE HAS BEEN PASSED DOWN THE ARMSTRONG LINE FOR GENERATIONS!" and punch the tank in a very manly fashion. My hand breaks, so I cry like a baby. The tears flood a napalm blaster, causing it to malfunction and explode Michael Bay style.
Welcome, Bioshock! You're in a training facility right now, trying to destroy a vehicle to move on to the next challenge. I do need to update the story part in the first post... You've joined as a level 2 fighter! 14 damage to a napalm blaster! +3 XP!
"Since you enjoyed that quest SO much, I'll send you on another one!" I send the tank on a second adventure to find the REAL treasure! (The napalm blasters will get damaged first, then the main body and secondary cannons.)
PART SIX: THE SCP FOUNDATION
I teleport it into the SCP Foundation's base. Its napalms cause containment breaches of everything. It is promptly assaulted by all the SCPs of Site 19. It escapes, only to run into several MTFs that fire their guns at it. It kills the MTFs, then rolls out but discovers that the entire area is under the effect of a reality warping SCP! OH CRAP! The central nuclear bomb in the station explodes, destroying all the SCPs and flinging the tank all the way to Mars!
PART SEVEN: THE MARTIAN LANDSCAPE
On Mars, several robots attack it for trespassing! The robots damage the tank severely! It finally defeats the robots and tries to go back to the training area, but... SUDDENLY, Earth fires a ton of lightspeed missiles, blowing up the tank! The tank barely survives, but is forced to return to Earth through.. a portal? The portal leads to Destroy the Tower, where nothing is happening! It goes back through the portal and lands in a pit of lava! It melts in the lava. The badly damaged tank moves on to the next area...
PART EIGHT POINT ONE: DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE
It turns out to be the DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE universe! After taking massive damage and not being able to do anything, it teleports to...
PART EIGHT POINT TWO: CAT SUPERMAN 64
The CAT SUPERMAN 64 universe! After dying several thousand times to random things, it finally wins the first level and gets sent to...
PART EIGHT POINT THREE: FIVE NIGHTS AT FREDDY'S
Freddy Fazbear's Pizzeria! The animatronics all rush it and start damaging it! The tank finally runs them all over and the tank ends up in...
PART EIGHT POINT FOUR: I WANNA BE THE GUY
The world of I Wanna Be The Guy! The tank is immediately crushed by even more apples, replaying the traumatic memories of being in an IWBTG game in its head! It ends up in...
PART EIGHT POINT FIVE: DESTROY THE GODMODDER II
The world of DTG2, alternate universe so it still doesn't affect the actual thread! King Ikea immediately mistakes the tank for a Player and throws it into the Void, where it lands on...
PART EIGHT POINT SIX: MONOPOLY
A Monopoly board! It goes bankrupt immediately and is nearly decommissioned, but...
PART EIGHT POINT SEVEN: E.T.
It ends up in the world of ET for the Atari 2600! It falls into a pit, but the pit turns into...
PART EIGHT POINT EIGHT: ANTICHAMBER
The world of Antichamber! It immediately falls down the pit at Don't Look Down and hits the ground, taking massive damage due to it not being the player character of Antichamber! It goes up the elevator and lands in...
PART EIGHT POINT NINE: THE STANLEY PARABLE
The Stanley Parable! The Narrator immediately states that the tank is impeding the progress of the story, and teleports it out of the world!
PART EIGHT POINT TEN: ESCAPE FROM GENERIC ESCAPE GAME
It lands in some random escape game! It rams into the wall several times trying to break it down, but the wall cannot be damaged! Solving the puzzle requires taking massive damage from all sources possible, so it solves the puzzle, taking massive damage in the process, then escapes!
PART NINE: THE ARCADE (AGAIN)
The tank ends up in the arcade, where it is forced to play NetHack blindfolded, with no telepathy and zero memory! It dies every time, taking damage from newts! It is renamed Dudley for dying to newts 50,000,000 times! Finally, it beats the game out of sheer randomness... and is forced to play Cat Mario/Syobon Action...BLINDFOLDED! It dies instantly!
PART TEN: THE EPIC PIT OF UNCROSSABILITY
The tank then ends up on one side of the pit. On the other side is a door, leading back to the training area! However, there is a bridge that it is too heavy to cross! It tries to go into the pit, but it is infinite! It tries to jump over the pit, but it falls into the near-infinite void...
PART ELEVEN: THE FINALE
The tank lands in the testing area, falls through the floor and lands in a pit of chlorine trifluoride! It is burned and dissolved by the chlorine trifluoride! Its remains are lifted to the surface, revealing that it went through 10 different games and various other worlds!
"You really liked that, didn't you? I'll make sure to send you on a third adventure!"
And it didn't even find the treasure...
18 damage to all napalm blasters! All four napalm blasters destroyed! +42 XP!
LEVEL UP! +5 HP! +1 MD! +1 Mana cap! +.5 Mana regen!
I love the smell of napalm in the morning. I love it so much, that a giant nose suddenly appears and inhales the Napalm Blasters! The nose stays still for a few seconds, then snorts the Napalm Blasters back out. They are covered in slime and it is really gross for everyone involved. Suddenly, the slime explodes, catching everyone by surprise!
The napalm blasters are gone, so you hit the tank instead! 14 damage! +3 XP!
I repeat my ignored attack last turn. IT will be used on the Napalm Blasters guarding the tank.
I shuffle into front-line position and bodyguard CobaltShade. Any hits must go through me in order to hit Cobalt.
I then proceed to give the Tank a late Christmas present: A Lightning rod. Naturally, a billion lightning bolts immediately strike the pants straight off of the Napalm Cannons, or the tank itself if the Napalm Blasters fail to fight them. I then give it another late present as an apology: A deadly laser beam. I forgot to turn it off, though, so it slices the Napalm Blasters/Tank with it's deadliness. As an apology for the apology, I give the Tank yet another gift: a wild Suicune! The Suicune doesn't appreciate the new owner and Hydro Pumps the tank in some parts that really don't appreciate water. As an apology for the apology of the apology, I give the Tank another apology gift in the form of a hundred gold coins. The instantly seethes in rage at the money, considering what happened last time, and as the tank is inevitably robbed, it literally blows off some gaskets from its internal systems.
The tank, on top of the damage it took, is now Berserk, hitting for 1.25 bonus damage, but having a (increased) fail chance (1/3rd) due to it's rage. This goes for all of its subsidiary units as well, so the Napalm Blasters and Secondary Cannons are also affected.
You are guarding Cobaltshade! Together the attacks deal 85 damage! +12 XP! Tank is now in berserk mode!
I join in as a mage and see the tank attacking my friends.
"Magic missile! .... Magic missile!....MAGIC MISSILE! MAGIC MISSILE MAGIC MISSILE MAGIC MISSILE! ARGGHHHH! *throws staff on ground which bounces into the barrel from where it fires jamming it effectively*
Welcome! You have joined as a level 2 mage! 7 damage to the tank! +1 XP!
Without warning, God appears! He calls in a flood of water that hits the tank and makes it rust! Along with the flood, an ark hits the tank for massive damage! The ark breaks! Noah appears out of the wreckage and gets mad, so mad that he goes super saiyan and does a Kamehameha on the tank!
I summon a massive cauldron, and begin chanting. I put in eye of newt, dragon's tail, spider's leg, arm of TT2000, heart of baboon, and whatever other junk it is they use to make potions in cauldrons. I teleport the most injured player to me, and show them the potion. They dread having to drink that, until I take a box of bandages out of my back pocket and stick one on them, healing them through magic. I then take the potion, which also happens to be a powerful acid, and pour it on the tank.
ARM OF TT2000?
You heal Kadoink for 10 HP! You deal 10 damage to the tank! +4 XP!
I then fire akimbo Stinger M7s at the tank, only instead of firing rockets, the Stingers instead fire actual gigantic bee stingers dipped in poisonous acid. They immediately home in on the tank.
You can post twice per turn, and no double posting.
I teleport the Tank to a session of TTT, where it must win in every role (and play a very critical part each time) to escape. Except this is a Pro MLG level sever and the tank isn't even remotely familiar with Garry's Mod, so it takes an eternity to stop being Jihaded, C4'd, falling for traps (that are sometimes his own), figuring out the ins and outs of the weapons, not accusing the detective of being a tratior, shoddy ladder physics, and so on. By the time its over and the tank miraculously emerges victorious once in every roll, the TTT players get so mad for the intrusion they invade the red base; the tratiors and detective give credit weapons out to everyone somehow, and they all attack with super-powerful weapons like the AWP, M3, Phantom, Hydra, and C4. Then a Tratior pulls out a surprise Jihad, killing everyone (including himself), damaging the tank further, and winning the tratiors the round, which spawns them back in the server.
28 damage to the tank! +4 XP!
ENEMY PHASE:
The tank uses the SQUISHER CHARGE! It SQUASHES Maniacmaster and Kadoink, knowing they're big threats, then heads after Cobaltshade for fear of being put through another quest! But TheNonexistentTazz blocks the way, and manages to stop the charge! They all take 50 damage, killing Maniacmaster and Kadoink! They'll return from respawn next turn! It attempts to target The_Nonexistent_Tazz and finish him off, but in it's rage the shot misses by about a mile or so! The other secondary cannon blasts Twinbuilder for 37 damage!
Training instructor(to himself): Well, I can tell they're not having an easy time, but if they win this soon, they might break the record for trainees...
THE BATTLEFIELD:
Location: Red Training Facility
Red forces: RED TRAINER TANK, HARD VERSION: 106/500 HP(being guarded by three napalm blasters), Secondary cannons: 43/50 HP x2, (boss)(Squisher charge: 1/2)(Berserk mode, damage x1.25, attacks have 1/3 chance to fail)
I grab a Napalm Blaster telekinetically, freeze the other two, then fire the first one at the Tank!
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Weird Things Mods Say When Booting
[Client thread/INFO] [TConstruct]: Natura, what are we going to do tomorrow night?
[Client thread/INFO] [Natura]: TConstruct, we're going to take over the world!
[Client thread/INFO] [inpure|core]: Beating Minecraft's resource loading system with a shovel. Please stand by...
[Client thread/INFO] [MagicBees]: Replacing stupid-block with 'Here, have some delicious textures' ItemBlock. This is 100% normal.
I point out it makes no sense for an automated tank to go beserk. It could not be based upon emotion, because tanks are not sentient, and I highly doubt Minecraft can run sentient AIs, let alone one for every tank. Therefore, it must be programmed in. However, this programming actually reduces the damage the tank deal! Let's say the tank normally deals 20 damage 3 times, for a total of 60 damage. It now receives a damage boost to 25 damage, but only hits an average of twice, for a total of 50 damage! The tank now does 10 less damage on average! This is a true failure on the part of TT to make the boss turn red! I point this out to him, and he is so ashamed, he deals damage to tank as compensation.
If the boss was meant to get weaker, I instead threaten TT with the removal of his other arm.
I immediately begin to use the tank as the world's largest violin, and proceed to play every known violin song in existence, or rather, every song where a violin is part of the song, at the speed of stupidity, scratching in huge holes in the chassis! During the performance, everyone is allowed to toss tomatoes at me-they turn out to be filled with ridiculously large amounts of acid, but fortunately the tank blocks it all for me as I play my melodious tunes and not-so-melodious tunes. At the end, everyone's allowed to autograph the tank, with acid pens! I get millions of autographs! I then toss the tank into a tank filled with acid, then toss both into a garbage can. Finally, I call the tank stupid. The tank weeps tears of pure acid at the insult, which dissolve it further.
Anywho, I proceed to cut the tank in half so that the "treads" get bisected and no longer operate. I then continue napalming the tank with TELEKINETIC MAAGE POWAH!!!!!
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Weird Things Mods Say When Booting
[Client thread/INFO] [TConstruct]: Natura, what are we going to do tomorrow night?
[Client thread/INFO] [Natura]: TConstruct, we're going to take over the world!
[Client thread/INFO] [inpure|core]: Beating Minecraft's resource loading system with a shovel. Please stand by...
[Client thread/INFO] [MagicBees]: Replacing stupid-block with 'Here, have some delicious textures' ItemBlock. This is 100% normal.
I force the tank into the Binding of Isaac: Rebirth and tell him to unlock the Lost.
Step 1: Isaac must be killed by a Mulliboom in the Basement/Cellar.
The tank chooses Isaac and begins wandering the basement in search of a Mulliboom. Several deaths later, it finally finds a Mulliboom while near death. It runs into the enemy, exploding and dying.
Step 2: Magdalene must be killed by her own bomb in the Caves/Catacombs.
The tank chooses Magdalene and heads into the caves. It burns itself on a fire until it has half a heart, then lights a bomb and kills itself with it.
Step 3: Judas must be killed by Mom's foot or hand in the Depths/Necropolis boss battle.
The tank picks Judas and heads through the game, taking many hits and reaching the Mom boss battle with one heart left. It allows itself to be stomped immediately, dying.
Step 4: Azazel must be killed by Satan during the phase after the Fallen battle.
Finally, the tank chooses Azazel and heads through the game, getting past It Lives! and entering Sheol. It continues through the place, reaching Satan. It barely defeats the Fallen and allows itself to die to Satan's bullets.
The tank is quite pleased to see the Lost being unlocked. Then it hears my voice.
"I modified the game so that you'd feel every hit you took!"
The tank flashes bright neon red, its HP bar depleting.
Yes, this is really how the Lost is unlocked in Rebirth.
Ow. I need some heals. I run around the server and steal every single Witch from their Witch Huts in the middle of the night. I bring them all together and force them to devise the strongest healing potion known to modern science, in exchange for some new brooms. They accept. After several hours which include a mishap of spider eyes that resulted in one of the Witches turning into a Spiderwitch, as well as a spilled potion that nearly blew up the entire facility, they have used their powers and focused them into a pure golden potion. I drink it and my health skyrockets.
I force the tank to play halflings in Blood Bowl against a whole league of bashing teams. The tank quickly feels like it's made a huge mistake, as the bashing teams annihilate the Halflings whenever they get the chance to even look at them and keep holding the ball, leaving him with two Tree-men who wind up immobile and useless half the time. It's also interestingly rigged: every time the Tank's halflings tackles something or when the Tank's halflings are tackled, he feels the tackle and pain of the halflings. Halflings are half the size of a normal human and lack Pintsized powerhouse characteristics, so by doing the math, he basically dies every time the tank's halflings are hit. The tank is then run over by a surprise death submarine from space mid-season.
"Before you go on quest number three..."
"MANDATORY TESTING!"
TEST 1: MANDATORY LAVA SUBMERSION TESTING
The tank is submerged in lava and left there for 40,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 years, in a time-accelerating field so that it only takes ten seconds for us.
TEST 2: MANDATORY NUCLEAR SURVIVAL TESTING
The tank is transported to another world, where it is forced to survive a global nuclear war. Ten seconds later, it gets hit by 50,000 tracking nukes simultaneously.
TEST 3: MANDATORY ACID SUBMERSION TESTING
The tank is submerged in fluoroantimonic acid and left to soak for 5,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 years, in another time-accelerating field so that it only takes twenty seconds for us.
TEST 4: MANDATORY XK-CLASS EVENT TESTING
The tank is sent to an alternate universe SCP Foundation. Suddenly, an XK-Class event happens, destroying the entire universe slowly and painfully.
TEST 5: MANDATORY TOMATO PELTING TESTING
I pelt the tank with tomatoes. Just for fun.
TEST 6: MANDATORY QUEST SURVIVAL TESTING
I send the tank on his second-and-a-half quest:
PART TWELVE: NUCLEAR WARFARE
The tank is sent to a nuclear warfare zone. It is then forced to play all the Touhou games with RNG at the controls, meaning it cannot control himself. Every hit it takes damages it. While he is playing, he is bombed by thousands of nukes.
PART THIRTEEN: YOU HAVE THE WORST LUCK EVER
The tank is then sent to a casino... and loses every game. Eventually, it has to sell his parts for money to keep playing, as it is forced to keep playing by a mysterious force. Eventually, it is allowed to leave.
PART FOURTEEN: SYOBON ACTION 2
The tank is then sent to the world of SYOBON ACTION 2! OH NO! It has to play through all the levels and CANNOT JUMP! Eventually it somehow does it, but only after taking several million hits from random things!
PART FIFTEEN: WIZARD OF YENDOR'S SLAVE
The tank is sent to the world of NetHack, where it is forced to be a slave to the Wizard of Yendor. It then gets murdered several hundred times over by various adventurers.
PART SIXTEEN: RETURN HOME
It returns to the training area, where its damaged parts are inspected.
FINAL VERDICT: FAILURE
The final verdict: Fail! I then teleport the tank into a scrap metal compactor that is running.
Well, I think I found what I'LL be in the after life. <3 Goats for life.
"That was strange," I say. "So, what did I miss?"
I choose Fighter.
I then shout, "THIS TECHNIQUE HAS BEEN PASSED DOWN THE ARMSTRONG LINE FOR GENERATIONS!" and punch the tank in a very manly fashion. My hand breaks, so I cry like a baby. The tears flood a napalm blaster, causing it to malfunction and explode Michael Bay style.
"Do we want to be the mediocre brimstone boy, or do we want to be the more-than-enough brimstone man?" - Northernlion
Check out my new game, Legends of Aekran!
PART SIX: THE SCP FOUNDATION
I teleport it into the SCP Foundation's base. Its napalms cause containment breaches of everything. It is promptly assaulted by all the SCPs of Site 19. It escapes, only to run into several MTFs that fire their guns at it. It kills the MTFs, then rolls out but discovers that the entire area is under the effect of a reality warping SCP! OH CRAP! The central nuclear bomb in the station explodes, destroying all the SCPs and flinging the tank all the way to Mars!
PART SEVEN: THE MARTIAN LANDSCAPE
On Mars, several robots attack it for trespassing! The robots damage the tank severely! It finally defeats the robots and tries to go back to the training area, but... SUDDENLY, Earth fires a ton of lightspeed missiles, blowing up the tank! The tank barely survives, but is forced to return to Earth through.. a portal? The portal leads to Destroy the Tower, where nothing is happening! It goes back through the portal and lands in a pit of lava! It melts in the lava. The badly damaged tank moves on to the next area...
PART EIGHT POINT ONE: DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE
It turns out to be the DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE universe! After taking massive damage and not being able to do anything, it teleports to...
PART EIGHT POINT TWO: CAT SUPERMAN 64
The CAT SUPERMAN 64 universe! After dying several thousand times to random things, it finally wins the first level and gets sent to...
PART EIGHT POINT THREE: FIVE NIGHTS AT FREDDY'S
Freddy Fazbear's Pizzeria! The animatronics all rush it and start damaging it! The tank finally runs them all over and the tank ends up in...
PART EIGHT POINT FOUR: I WANNA BE THE GUY
The world of I Wanna Be The Guy! The tank is immediately crushed by even more apples, replaying the traumatic memories of being in an IWBTG game in its head! It ends up in...
PART EIGHT POINT FIVE: DESTROY THE GODMODDER II
The world of DTG2, alternate universe so it still doesn't affect the actual thread! King Ikea immediately mistakes the tank for a Player and throws it into the Void, where it lands on...
PART EIGHT POINT SIX: MONOPOLY
A Monopoly board! It goes bankrupt immediately and is nearly decommissioned, but...
PART EIGHT POINT SEVEN: E.T.
It ends up in the world of ET for the Atari 2600! It falls into a pit, but the pit turns into...
PART EIGHT POINT EIGHT: ANTICHAMBER
The world of Antichamber! It immediately falls down the pit at Don't Look Down and hits the ground, taking massive damage due to it not being the player character of Antichamber! It goes up the elevator and lands in...
PART EIGHT POINT NINE: THE STANLEY PARABLE
The Stanley Parable! The Narrator immediately states that the tank is impeding the progress of the story, and teleports it out of the world!
PART EIGHT POINT TEN: ESCAPE FROM GENERIC ESCAPE GAME
It lands in some random escape game! It rams into the wall several times trying to break it down, but the wall cannot be damaged! Solving the puzzle requires taking massive damage from all sources possible, so it solves the puzzle, taking massive damage in the process, then escapes!
PART NINE: THE ARCADE (AGAIN)
The tank ends up in the arcade, where it is forced to play NetHack blindfolded, with no telepathy and zero memory! It dies every time, taking damage from newts! It is renamed Dudley for dying to newts 50,000,000 times! Finally, it beats the game out of sheer randomness... and is forced to play Cat Mario/Syobon Action...BLINDFOLDED! It dies instantly!
PART TEN: THE EPIC PIT OF UNCROSSABILITY
The tank then ends up on one side of the pit. On the other side is a door, leading back to the training area! However, there is a bridge that it is too heavy to cross! It tries to go into the pit, but it is infinite! It tries to jump over the pit, but it falls into the near-infinite void...
PART ELEVEN: THE FINALE
The tank lands in the testing area, falls through the floor and lands in a pit of chlorine trifluoride! It is burned and dissolved by the chlorine trifluoride! Its remains are lifted to the surface, revealing that it went through 10 different games and various other worlds!
"You really liked that, didn't you? I'll make sure to send you on a third adventure!"
I shuffle into front-line position and bodyguard CobaltShade. Any hits must go through me in order to hit Cobalt.
I then proceed to give the Tank a late Christmas present: A Lightning rod. Naturally, a billion lightning bolts immediately strike the pants straight off of the Napalm Cannons, or the tank itself if the Napalm Blasters fail to fight them. I then give it another late present as an apology: A deadly laser beam. I forgot to turn it off, though, so it slices the Napalm Blasters/Tank with it's deadliness. As an apology for the apology, I give the Tank yet another gift: a wild Suicune! The Suicune doesn't appreciate the new owner and Hydro Pumps the tank in some parts that really don't appreciate water. As an apology for the apology of the apology, I give the Tank another apology gift in the form of a hundred gold coins. The instantly seethes in rage at the money, considering what happened last time, and as the tank is inevitably robbed, it literally blows off some gaskets from its internal systems.
The tank, on top of the damage it took, is now Berserk, hitting for 1.25 bonus damage, but having a (increased) fail chance (1/3rd) due to it's rage. This goes for all of its subsidiary units as well, so the Napalm Blasters and Secondary Cannons are also affected.
"Magic missile! .... Magic missile!....MAGIC MISSILE! MAGIC MISSILE MAGIC MISSILE MAGIC MISSILE! ARGGHHHH! *throws staff on ground which bounces into the barrel from where it fires jamming it effectively*
If you are seeing this, you are qualified to win.....nothing! Have a nice day! You might wanna click these!
Daw! A B-!?
Bottom of the lake. Nothing past here.
W-W-W-W--W--W-W--W-WW-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W
-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W-W
You can win guys! Beat him! Destroy that pyramid! You may need to smoke him out... Go to the top room, and say the decoded words...."MSEKO VLIES"
I then fire akimbo Stinger M7s at the tank, only instead of firing rockets, the Stingers instead fire actual gigantic bee stingers dipped in poisonous acid. They immediately home in on the tank.
"Do we want to be the mediocre brimstone boy, or do we want to be the more-than-enough brimstone man?" - Northernlion
Check out my new game, Legends of Aekran!
2 posts per turn.
/null
+4 HP to Kadoink! 1 damage to each of the napalm blasters! +4 XP!
Note that, while you can attack and heal at the same time, the effectiveness of both tends to be reduced in doing so.
6 damage to two of the blasters! +3 XP! If you meant to use the freeze spell, you're going to need to tell me for sure that you use it.
20 damage to a napalm blaster! Napalm blaster destroyed! +11 XP!
No, you can join the game at any time! You're in! Now just choose a class(read the OP) and you can get started!
Welcome, Bioshock! You're in a training facility right now, trying to destroy a vehicle to move on to the next challenge. I do need to update the story part in the first post... You've joined as a level 2 fighter! 14 damage to a napalm blaster! +3 XP!
And it didn't even find the treasure...
18 damage to all napalm blasters! All four napalm blasters destroyed! +42 XP!
LEVEL UP! +5 HP! +1 MD! +1 Mana cap! +.5 Mana regen!
The napalm blasters are gone, so you hit the tank instead! 14 damage! +3 XP!
You are guarding Cobaltshade! Together the attacks deal 85 damage! +12 XP! Tank is now in berserk mode!
Welcome! You have joined as a level 2 mage! 7 damage to the tank! +1 XP!
14 damage to the tank! +2 XP!
ARM OF TT2000?
You heal Kadoink for 10 HP! You deal 10 damage to the tank! +4 XP!
You can post twice per turn, and no double posting.
12 damage to the tank! +2 XP!
28 damage to the tank! +4 XP!
ENEMY PHASE:
The tank uses the SQUISHER CHARGE! It SQUASHES Maniacmaster and Kadoink, knowing they're big threats, then heads after Cobaltshade for fear of being put through another quest! But TheNonexistentTazz blocks the way, and manages to stop the charge! They all take 50 damage, killing Maniacmaster and Kadoink! They'll return from respawn next turn! It attempts to target The_Nonexistent_Tazz and finish him off, but in it's rage the shot misses by about a mile or so! The other secondary cannon blasts Twinbuilder for 37 damage!
Training instructor(to himself): Well, I can tell they're not having an easy time, but if they win this soon, they might break the record for trainees...
THE BATTLEFIELD:
Location: Red Training Facility
Red forces:
RED TRAINER TANK, HARD VERSION: 106/500 HP(being guarded by three napalm blasters), Secondary cannons: 43/50 HP x2, (boss)(Squisher charge: 1/2)(Berserk mode, damage x1.25, attacks have 1/3 chance to fail)
Players:
Pokefan: Fighter, level 2: 45/45 HP, 10/30 XP, 7 MD, wooden sword(+1 MD)/leather armor(+10 HP) (flaming destruction: 1/3)
Coal_Sponge: Tank, level 1: 70/70 HP, 18/20 XP, 4 MD, wooden sword(+1 MD)/leather armor(+10 HP) (mirror shield: 1/3)
ManiacMasteR: Mage, level 2: 0/40 HP, 11/30 XP, 4 MD, 11/11 Mana, wooden sword(+1 MD)/leather armor(+10 HP) (Spellbook: Freeze(5 Mana))(Recharge: 1/3)
Creepershlap: Shaman, level 1: 10/30 HP, 18/20 XP, 4 MD, 10/10 Mana, wooden sword(+1 MD)/leather armor(+10 HP) (Spellbook: Poison(4 Mana))(Drain: 1/4)(burning, -5 HP per turn for 2 more turns)
Ka_Doink: Fighter, level 3: 0/50 HP, 23/40 XP, 9 MD, wooden sword(+1 MD)/leather armor(+10 HP) (flaming destruction: 1/3)
Twinbuilder: Fighter, level 2: 7/45 HP, 14/30 XP, 7 MD, wooden sword(+1 MD)/leather armor(+10 HP) (flaming destruction: 1/3)
Fseftr: Fighter, level 3: 45/50 HP, 4/40 XP, 9 MD, wooden sword(+1 MD)/leather armor(+10 HP) (flaming destruction: 1/3)
Cobaltshade: Mage, level 3: 20/45 HP, 37/40 XP, 5 MD, 6/12 Mana wooden sword(+1 MD)/leather armor(+10 HP) (Spellbook: Freeze(5 Mana)) (Recharge: 1/3)(burning, -5 HP per turn for 2 more turns)(being guarded by The_Nonexistent_Tazz)
Netpatham: Mage, level 2: 30/40 HP, 4/30 XP, 4 MD, 6/11 Mana wooden sword(+1 MD)/leather armor(+10 HP) (Spellbook: Freeze(5 Mana)) (Recharge: 1/3)
The_Nonexistent_Tazz: Tank, level 3: 35/85 HP, 36/40 XP, 6 MD, wooden sword(+1 MD)/leather armor(+10 HP) (mirror shield: 1/3)(guarding Cobaltshade)
Killercookie, level 2 ????: Needs to choose class!
BioShock_Rules: Fighter, level 2: 45/45 HP, 5/30 XP, 7 MD, wooden sword(+1 MD)/leather armor(+10 HP) (flaming destruction: 1/3)
omglolsguy: Mage, level 2: 40/40 HP, 1/30 XP, 4 MD, 11/11 Mana, wooden sword(+1 MD)/leather armor(+10 HP) (Spellbook: Freeze(5 Mana))(Recharge: 1/3)
Other:
None
Check out my bad CTM map reviews here.
[Client thread/INFO] [Natura]: TConstruct, we're going to take over the world!
I point out it makes no sense for an automated tank to go beserk. It could not be based upon emotion, because tanks are not sentient, and I highly doubt Minecraft can run sentient AIs, let alone one for every tank. Therefore, it must be programmed in. However, this programming actually reduces the damage the tank deal! Let's say the tank normally deals 20 damage 3 times, for a total of 60 damage. It now receives a damage boost to 25 damage, but only hits an average of twice, for a total of 50 damage! The tank now does 10 less damage on average! This is a true failure on the part of TT to make the boss turn red! I point this out to him, and he is so ashamed, he deals damage to tank as compensation.
If the boss was meant to get weaker, I instead threaten TT with the removal of his other arm.
Anywho, I proceed to cut the tank in half so that the "treads" get bisected and no longer operate. I then continue napalming the tank with TELEKINETIC MAAGE POWAH!!!!!
[Client thread/INFO] [Natura]: TConstruct, we're going to take over the world!
Step 1: Isaac must be killed by a Mulliboom in the Basement/Cellar.
The tank chooses Isaac and begins wandering the basement in search of a Mulliboom. Several deaths later, it finally finds a Mulliboom while near death. It runs into the enemy, exploding and dying.
Step 2: Magdalene must be killed by her own bomb in the Caves/Catacombs.
The tank chooses Magdalene and heads into the caves. It burns itself on a fire until it has half a heart, then lights a bomb and kills itself with it.
Step 3: Judas must be killed by Mom's foot or hand in the Depths/Necropolis boss battle.
The tank picks Judas and heads through the game, taking many hits and reaching the Mom boss battle with one heart left. It allows itself to be stomped immediately, dying.
Step 4: Azazel must be killed by Satan during the phase after the Fallen battle.
Finally, the tank chooses Azazel and heads through the game, getting past It Lives! and entering Sheol. It continues through the place, reaching Satan. It barely defeats the Fallen and allows itself to die to Satan's bullets.
The tank is quite pleased to see the Lost being unlocked. Then it hears my voice.
"I modified the game so that you'd feel every hit you took!"
The tank flashes bright neon red, its HP bar depleting.
Yes, this is really how the Lost is unlocked in Rebirth.
"Do we want to be the mediocre brimstone boy, or do we want to be the more-than-enough brimstone man?" - Northernlion
Check out my new game, Legends of Aekran!
Avatar: "Badass" playermodel from Garry's Mod addon Metropolice Pack
corgiorgy.com
"MANDATORY TESTING!"
TEST 1: MANDATORY LAVA SUBMERSION TESTING
The tank is submerged in lava and left there for 40,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 years, in a time-accelerating field so that it only takes ten seconds for us.
TEST 2: MANDATORY NUCLEAR SURVIVAL TESTING
The tank is transported to another world, where it is forced to survive a global nuclear war. Ten seconds later, it gets hit by 50,000 tracking nukes simultaneously.
TEST 3: MANDATORY ACID SUBMERSION TESTING
The tank is submerged in fluoroantimonic acid and left to soak for 5,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 years, in another time-accelerating field so that it only takes twenty seconds for us.
TEST 4: MANDATORY XK-CLASS EVENT TESTING
The tank is sent to an alternate universe SCP Foundation. Suddenly, an XK-Class event happens, destroying the entire universe slowly and painfully.
TEST 5: MANDATORY TOMATO PELTING TESTING
I pelt the tank with tomatoes. Just for fun.
TEST 6: MANDATORY QUEST SURVIVAL TESTING
I send the tank on his second-and-a-half quest:
The tank is sent to a nuclear warfare zone. It is then forced to play all the Touhou games with RNG at the controls, meaning it cannot control himself. Every hit it takes damages it. While he is playing, he is bombed by thousands of nukes.
The tank is then sent to a casino... and loses every game. Eventually, it has to sell his parts for money to keep playing, as it is forced to keep playing by a mysterious force. Eventually, it is allowed to leave.
PART FOURTEEN: SYOBON ACTION 2
The tank is then sent to the world of SYOBON ACTION 2! OH NO! It has to play through all the levels and CANNOT JUMP! Eventually it somehow does it, but only after taking several million hits from random things!
PART FIFTEEN: WIZARD OF YENDOR'S SLAVE
The tank is sent to the world of NetHack, where it is forced to be a slave to the Wizard of Yendor. It then gets murdered several hundred times over by various adventurers.
The final verdict: Fail! I then teleport the tank into a scrap metal compactor that is running.