Aloha people! This thread is for posting your jokes!
Please try to do these 2 catogories:
In soviet Russia,
And freestyle.
Here are mine:
In soviet Russia, Mine crafts you!
(genaric, I know)
Freestyle:
Once there was an old woman. She bought a house and named it butt.
She bought a cat and named it crack. On day she lost her cat and told all her neighbors:
"I've looked all over my butt, but I can't find my crack!"
Another one:
3 men bought 3 toilets. One was made of gold, one of wood, and one could sing.
The first man returned the gold toilet and told the clerk: " It makes my butt to cold"
The second man returned the wooden toilet and told the clerk: "It gives me splinters"
The third man returned the singing toilet and told the clerk: "Whenever I use the bathroom it sings: 'DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE?'"
1. A man goes into a bar. He has a dog with him. The dog is wearing an eye patch. The man says to the bartender, "Ask me about my dog." Unfortunately, the bartender does not hear him, because he went deaf in one ear as a child. He serves a woman at the other end of the bar. When he comes around to the man with the dog again, the man orders an imported beer. He forgets what he was going to say about the dog.
2. A priest, a rabbi, and a nonreligious person are flying across the Atlantic Ocean, all for different reasons. There is engine trouble, and one of the wings catches on fire. The plane starts to go down. Luckily, there are enough parachutes for everyone. Evacuation is orderly.
3. An Irishman, an Englishman and an Indian chief go fishing together in a large rowboat in a medium-sized lake. Everyone has good luck: two or three big fish each. They stay out in the middle of the lake until sunset. On the way back to shore, as the sky purples and turns to night, they all sing a song.
4. A duck goes into a pharmacy. He says to the pharmacist, "I need some ointment for my beak. It is very chapped." The pharmacist says, "We have nothing for ducks here."
5. A dog goes into a bar. He is wearing an eye patch. The dog says to the bartender, "Have you heard the one about the one-eyed dog?" The bartender, who is deaf in one ear, thinks the dog is making fun of him. He asks him to leave. The dog says, "Don't you have a sense of humor, deafie?" At the end of his shift, the bartender is tired of all the jokes. Today it's a one-eyed dog. Yesterday it was a horse with rickets. The day before: ants. He lives above the bar in a small room. He spends the night alone there, listening to his battery-operated radio, which picks up only a bad jazz station. He listens to bad jazz with his bad ear.
1. A man goes into a bar. He has a dog with him. The dog is wearing an eye patch. The man says to the bartender, "Ask me about my dog." Unfortunately, the bartender does not hear him, because he went deaf in one ear as a child. He serves a woman at the other end of the bar. When he comes around to the man with the dog again, the man orders an imported beer. He forgets what he was going to say about the dog.
2. A priest, a rabbi, and a nonreligious person are flying across the Atlantic Ocean, all for different reasons. There is engine trouble, and one of the wings catches on fire. The plane starts to go down. Luckily, there are enough parachutes for everyone. Evacuation is orderly.
3. An Irishman, an Englishman and an Indian chief go fishing together in a large rowboat in a medium-sized lake. Everyone has good luck: two or three big fish each. They stay out in the middle of the lake until sunset. On the way back to shore, as the sky purples and turns to night, they all sing a song.
4. A duck goes into a pharmacy. He says to the pharmacist, "I need some ointment for my beak. It is very chapped." The pharmacist says, "We have nothing for ducks here."
5. A dog goes into a bar. He is wearing an eye patch. The dog says to the bartender, "Have you heard the one about the one-eyed dog?" The bartender, who is deaf in one ear, thinks the dog is making fun of him. He asks him to leave. The dog says, "Don't you have a sense of humor, deafie?" At the end of his shift, the bartender is tired of all the jokes. Today it's a one-eyed dog. Yesterday it was a horse with rickets. The day before: ants. He lives above the bar in a small room. He spends the night alone there, listening to his battery-operated radio, which picks up only a bad jazz station. He listens to bad jazz with his bad ear.
...
You make me want to go read Twilight, not laugh...
1. A man goes into a bar. He has a dog with him. The dog is wearing an eye patch. The man says to the bartender, "Ask me about my dog." Unfortunately, the bartender does not hear him, because he went deaf in one ear as a child. He serves a woman at the other end of the bar. When he comes around to the man with the dog again, the man orders an imported beer. He forgets what he was going to say about the dog.
2. A priest, a rabbi, and a nonreligious person are flying across the Atlantic Ocean, all for different reasons. There is engine trouble, and one of the wings catches on fire. The plane starts to go down. Luckily, there are enough parachutes for everyone. Evacuation is orderly.
3. An Irishman, an Englishman and an Indian chief go fishing together in a large rowboat in a medium-sized lake. Everyone has good luck: two or three big fish each. They stay out in the middle of the lake until sunset. On the way back to shore, as the sky purples and turns to night, they all sing a song.
4. A duck goes into a pharmacy. He says to the pharmacist, "I need some ointment for my beak. It is very chapped." The pharmacist says, "We have nothing for ducks here."
5. A dog goes into a bar. He is wearing an eye patch. The dog says to the bartender, "Have you heard the one about the one-eyed dog?" The bartender, who is deaf in one ear, thinks the dog is making fun of him. He asks him to leave. The dog says, "Don't you have a sense of humor, deafie?" At the end of his shift, the bartender is tired of all the jokes. Today it's a one-eyed dog. Yesterday it was a horse with rickets. The day before: ants. He lives above the bar in a small room. He spends the night alone there, listening to his battery-operated radio, which picks up only a bad jazz station. He listens to bad jazz with his bad ear.
...
You make me want to go read Twilight, not laugh...
They're the 5 jokes that have never produced laughter, as seen in "The Areas of my Expertise" by John Hodgman.
Three men were in a aeroplane, the 1st man had a banana, the 2nd man had an apple, and the last and 3th man had a bomb.
The woman on the plane said to the 1st man, "You're not allowed to have a banana in here" then he threw the banana out of the window, the woman said to the 2nd "You're not allowed to have an apple in here" then he threw the apple out of the window, the woman said to the 3th "You're not allowed to have a bomb in here" then he threw the bomb out.
When they landed, and walked out, the 1st man could see a boy crying, he asked him "Why are you crying?" he said then "A banana fell on my head" the 2nd man saw another boy crying, he asked him aswell "Why are you crying?" he said then "An apple fell on my head" the 3th man saw a boy laughing, he asked him "Why are you laughing?" the boy answered "I farted then the school exploded"
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
"Every puffin we see tonight is a miracle" - Stephen Kress
Somewhere, there is a clown choking to death on a balloon animal.
Mario was **** out of luck
At rescuing princesses he really did suck
After days worth of hassle
Peach was in another castle
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
There once was a young boy named Guts,
whose dad was entirely nuts.
For three silver coins
to sate a man's loins,
He had to surrender his butts.
There once was a mission quite a pain,
When you fail, it is you, the fatman will blame,
you'll keep tryin,
you'll keep diein,
and all you had to do was follow the train.
There's this one pretty cool guy I know
An awesome space marine named Halo
He makes aliens **** bricks
He invented limericks
Does he afraid of anything? No.
They say "you wouldn't download a car"
and I say I WILL go that far
boot up Firefox
for a torrent that rocks
I think I'll choose a Jaguar
Sonic games used to do the trick
Nintendo games I would gladly kick
But with these new games out
I've decided to shout
HIS NAME IS ****ING ROBTNIK
A Serious dude named Sam
His **** was the size of a ham
Biters would gnaw
Kamikazes yelled "AHHH"
That game is a jam
Please try to do these 2 catogories:
In soviet Russia,
And freestyle.
Here are mine:
In soviet Russia, Mine crafts you!
(genaric, I know)
Freestyle:
Once there was an old woman. She bought a house and named it butt.
She bought a cat and named it crack. On day she lost her cat and told all her neighbors:
"I've looked all over my butt, but I can't find my crack!"
Another one:
3 men bought 3 toilets. One was made of gold, one of wood, and one could sing.
The first man returned the gold toilet and told the clerk: " It makes my butt to cold"
The second man returned the wooden toilet and told the clerk: "It gives me splinters"
The third man returned the singing toilet and told the clerk: "Whenever I use the bathroom it sings: 'DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE?'"
Nothing. They were my friends.
What do you call a black person flying a plane?
A pilot
5/19/13 Expect Us
2. A priest, a rabbi, and a nonreligious person are flying across the Atlantic Ocean, all for different reasons. There is engine trouble, and one of the wings catches on fire. The plane starts to go down. Luckily, there are enough parachutes for everyone. Evacuation is orderly.
3. An Irishman, an Englishman and an Indian chief go fishing together in a large rowboat in a medium-sized lake. Everyone has good luck: two or three big fish each. They stay out in the middle of the lake until sunset. On the way back to shore, as the sky purples and turns to night, they all sing a song.
4. A duck goes into a pharmacy. He says to the pharmacist, "I need some ointment for my beak. It is very chapped." The pharmacist says, "We have nothing for ducks here."
5. A dog goes into a bar. He is wearing an eye patch. The dog says to the bartender, "Have you heard the one about the one-eyed dog?" The bartender, who is deaf in one ear, thinks the dog is making fun of him. He asks him to leave. The dog says, "Don't you have a sense of humor, deafie?" At the end of his shift, the bartender is tired of all the jokes. Today it's a one-eyed dog. Yesterday it was a horse with rickets. The day before: ants. He lives above the bar in a small room. He spends the night alone there, listening to his battery-operated radio, which picks up only a bad jazz station. He listens to bad jazz with his bad ear.
...
You make me want to go read Twilight, not laugh...
ON TOPIC:
^^My blog^^
Violets are blue.
In Soviet Russia,
POEM WRITES YOU!
Roses are blue,
Violets are pink.
Your HDTV
is on the blink.
They're the 5 jokes that have never produced laughter, as seen in "The Areas of my Expertise" by John Hodgman.
Violets are blue
But not really
They're actually purple
****, I messed up the ryhming scheme
What do you call a muarading mexican butt pirate from the future riding a train full of short russians and made of marzapan.
By his name, stupid.
The woman on the plane said to the 1st man, "You're not allowed to have a banana in here" then he threw the banana out of the window, the woman said to the 2nd "You're not allowed to have an apple in here" then he threw the apple out of the window, the woman said to the 3th "You're not allowed to have a bomb in here" then he threw the bomb out.
When they landed, and walked out, the 1st man could see a boy crying, he asked him "Why are you crying?" he said then "A banana fell on my head" the 2nd man saw another boy crying, he asked him aswell "Why are you crying?" he said then "An apple fell on my head" the 3th man saw a boy laughing, he asked him "Why are you laughing?" the boy answered "I farted then the school exploded"
Why did the spy cross the road again?
He's a double crosser.
facepalm of the month- dra6o0n
As I lay back and look up at the stars, I ask myself, "Where the hell is the roof?"
I always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, "A truck!".
When a robot does the robot, is he doing the robot or is he just dancing?
Someone asked me, "What's your idea of a good time?" I said, "6:45."
Having a best friend is like peeing your pants, every one can see it but only you can feel it's warmth.
Why would they print "Do not turn upside down." on the bottom of the box? Is it advice for next time?
On my sixteenth birthday, my parents tried to surprise me with a car, but they missed
Mario was **** out of luck
At rescuing princesses he really did suck
After days worth of hassle
Peach was in another castle
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
There once was a young boy named Guts,
whose dad was entirely nuts.
For three silver coins
to sate a man's loins,
He had to surrender his butts.
There once was a mission quite a pain,
When you fail, it is you, the fatman will blame,
you'll keep tryin,
you'll keep diein,
and all you had to do was follow the train.
There's this one pretty cool guy I know
An awesome space marine named Halo
He makes aliens **** bricks
He invented limericks
Does he afraid of anything? No.
They say "you wouldn't download a car"
and I say I WILL go that far
boot up Firefox
for a torrent that rocks
I think I'll choose a Jaguar
Sonic games used to do the trick
Nintendo games I would gladly kick
But with these new games out
I've decided to shout
HIS NAME IS ****ING ROBTNIK
A Serious dude named Sam
His **** was the size of a ham
Biters would gnaw
Kamikazes yelled "AHHH"
That game is a jam
My Pathfinder Campaign for the denizens of MCF: http://www.minecraftforum.net/topic/1939035-where-are-we-sandbox-pathfinder-campaign-ooc/
Don't forget the Soviet Russia jokes!
I've never been a fan of those jokes.
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