Just a short story i'm writing, which toys with the idea of ships in sci-fi typically having some kind of "distress signal". Here it is so far, please tell me where I should take it from here...
UPDATED:TWICE
In Distress
“Distress signal received.”
It took a moment for Edmund to notice the blinking light and the quiet, feminine voice of the computer panel. It took another moment to register it as important. He was almost about to fall asleep on the job. The announcement repeated and brought him completely out of his snooze. He tapped the part of the screen that now said “Details”. A short list came up. He assumed it would be another minor call, some clumsy, amateur crewman who had locked himself in the supplies cupboard or was having trouble pulling his helmet off after accidentally putting it on for no reason. But once he had skim-read the details he froze. No, he thought, I misread it. It took him another two reads, more slowly this time, to clarify what he had read. God, he thought, I’m slow today. As soon as he’d gotten over his incompetence, he got up and rushed over to the door. But before he opened it, he realised that there was something he would need to bring if the signal had been for real.
He would need his gun.
Although he didn’t realise, Joseph didn’t receive the distress call until about a minute after Edmund. If he had realised, he would have been quite irritated. He was used to using fairly high-quality ships, but had been assigned to this one. Apparently the pay was very good, but he couldn’t see why. He and the crew were on a fairly cheap cargo ship. An early model by Third Edge. It was just powerful enough to carry the surprisingly heavy cargo. Perhaps it was the cargo that gave the job good pay. It was probably something delicate. He had no idea what it was, of course. Only the Cargo Dealer was ever told what the cargo was, and that was singly in the rare case he got a strict, B-level order (with consult from their employer). Joseph was thinking all this over when he received the signal. He was a lot quicker to react to the signal than Edmund, since he wasn’t half asleep. He rushed off, leaving the monitor on the “details” page. It read:
Distress Signal Received
Signal Level: Critical
Crewman Death Imminent
Alex was running for his life.
It had started when he was entering his cabin in the dim-lit corridor below the huge cargo hold and suddenly a horrible mix of sounds came from the elevator at the end of the corridor. First there was a scraping noise of metal against metal, then eventually a crash, from far down the elevator shaft. All Alex could do at that moment was stare. It was obvious what might have happened, but he dared not believe it. The elevator had crashed. He expected the sound of a siren in the corridor, and the sound came. But then came something he did not expect. Something was piercing through the metal in the shaft. At first he was too paralysed to notice, but the same noise came eight, maybe ten more times. He had no idea what could be making the noise, but soon he did. Because its pincer smashed through the elevator door. He came back to his senses and ran to the door. He punched in the code and ran through, just as the thing that was now after him for some reason smashed through the elevator doors. And then it got even worse. The lights went out. He ran blindly over to the next door and punched in the code—but the power on the door was out he was trapped in the dark, helpless, with something that could punch through metal. He did all he could do…
Send a distress signal.
Distress Signal Sent
Signal Level: Critical
Crewman Death Imminent
Edmund had been furiously tapping parts of the panel in an attempt to convince the ship computer that he had access to the armoury. It wasn’t much of an armoury--more like a large locker of guns--and it had probably just been placed there to please the Legal Board of Interstellar Travel, since the last thing anybody expected on a cargo ship was a war breaking out. But the small number of small guns was--hopefully--all he would need. However, he couldn’t get any of them. After a short moment of desperately banging on the steel container, he had an idea. He pulled his communicator out of his rather handy multi-purpose belt and after tapping the screen a few times he was talking to the Chief Deal Adviser, Joseph.
“Joseph?” He said into the barely visible speaker. “I need you to help my access the-“
“I’m in the middle of something extremely important, Supervisor!”
Typical, Edmund thought, he had called him by his job title. Joseph always seemed to be trying to be as official as possible. That was probably how he had gotten the job. “More important than an imminent death?”
“It is an imminent death!”
“You too? Well can you give me access to the armoury?”
Without even saying yes, Joseph hung up, and less than a second later the armoury opened. Edmund took an LRT--much like a gun that shot high-voltage Taser electricity--and ran.
Just a short story i'm writing, which toys with the idea of ships in sci-fi typically having some kind of "distress signal". Here it is so far, please tell me where I should take it from here...
In Distress
“Distress signal received.”
It took a moment for Edmund to notice the blinking light and the quite, feminine voice of the computer panel. It took another moment to register it as important. He was almost about to fall asleep on the job. So it had saved him from a tussle with his manager. The announcement repeated and brought him completely out of his snooze. He tapped the part of the screen that now said “Details”. A short list came up. He assumed it would be another minor call, some clumsy, amateur crewman who had locked himself in the supplies cupboard or was having trouble pulling his helmet off after accidentally putting it on for no reason. But once he had skim-read the details he froze. A mistake, he thought, I misread it. It took him another two reads, more slowly this time, to clarify what he had read. God, he thought, I’m slow today. As soon as he’d gotten over his incompetence, he got up and rushed over to the door. But before he opened it, he realised that there was something he would need to bring if the signal had been for real.
He would need his gun.
Although he didn’t realise, Joseph didn’t receive the distress call until about a minute after Edmund. If he had realised, he would have been fairly irritated. He was used to using fairly high-quality ships, but had been assigned to this one. Apparently the pay was very good, but he couldn’t see why. He and the crew were on a fairly cheap cargo ship. An early model by Third Edge. It was just powerful enough to carry the-surprisingly heavy-cargo. Perhaps it was the cargo that gave the job good pay. It was probably something delicate. He had no idea what it was, of course. Only the Cargo Dealer was ever told what the cargo was, and that was only if he got a strict, B-level order (with consult from their employer). Joseph was thinking all this over when he received the signal. He was a lot quicker than Edmund, since he was occupied with something that involved work at all.
It's good so far, but there are many sections that just sound awkward to me. The most glaring one is "So it had saved him," but there are a few more. Secondly, I think you should add in some variety in word choice in the second paragraph. You use fairly twice in a row, and it sounds strange. Also, look over it for typos, etc. I think Im covered that, though.
As for where you should go from here, I recommend that you write out an outline of everything you want to happen in your story, from beginning to end. That should really help, an it will make the actual process easier. Other than that, I think it's fine. I'm interested to see where it'll go, and hopefully you'll update.
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It's good so far, but there are many sections that just sound awkward to me. The most glaring one is "So it had saved him," but there are a few more. Secondly, I think you should add in some variety in word choice in the second paragraph. You use fairly twice in a row, and it sounds strange. Also, look over it for typos, etc. I think Im covered that, though.
As for where you should go from here, I recommend that you write out an outline of everything you want to happen in your story, from beginning to end. That should really help, an it will make the actual process easier. Other than that, I think it's fine. I'm interested to see where it'll go, and hopefully you'll update.
Thanks for your help, I'll definitely go over it again for errors and awkward-sounding parts, and making an outline of what happens next is a good idea, as I've been sort of flying blind. I may not update until it's al finished though.
UPDATED:TWICE
In Distress
“Distress signal received.”
It took a moment for Edmund to notice the blinking light and the quiet, feminine voice of the computer panel. It took another moment to register it as important. He was almost about to fall asleep on the job. The announcement repeated and brought him completely out of his snooze. He tapped the part of the screen that now said “Details”. A short list came up. He assumed it would be another minor call, some clumsy, amateur crewman who had locked himself in the supplies cupboard or was having trouble pulling his helmet off after accidentally putting it on for no reason. But once he had skim-read the details he froze. No, he thought, I misread it. It took him another two reads, more slowly this time, to clarify what he had read. God, he thought, I’m slow today. As soon as he’d gotten over his incompetence, he got up and rushed over to the door. But before he opened it, he realised that there was something he would need to bring if the signal had been for real.
He would need his gun.
Although he didn’t realise, Joseph didn’t receive the distress call until about a minute after Edmund. If he had realised, he would have been quite irritated. He was used to using fairly high-quality ships, but had been assigned to this one. Apparently the pay was very good, but he couldn’t see why. He and the crew were on a fairly cheap cargo ship. An early model by Third Edge. It was just powerful enough to carry the surprisingly heavy cargo. Perhaps it was the cargo that gave the job good pay. It was probably something delicate. He had no idea what it was, of course. Only the Cargo Dealer was ever told what the cargo was, and that was singly in the rare case he got a strict, B-level order (with consult from their employer). Joseph was thinking all this over when he received the signal. He was a lot quicker to react to the signal than Edmund, since he wasn’t half asleep. He rushed off, leaving the monitor on the “details” page. It read:
Distress Signal Received
Signal Level: Critical
Crewman Death Imminent
Alex was running for his life.
It had started when he was entering his cabin in the dim-lit corridor below the huge cargo hold and suddenly a horrible mix of sounds came from the elevator at the end of the corridor. First there was a scraping noise of metal against metal, then eventually a crash, from far down the elevator shaft. All Alex could do at that moment was stare. It was obvious what might have happened, but he dared not believe it. The elevator had crashed. He expected the sound of a siren in the corridor, and the sound came. But then came something he did not expect. Something was piercing through the metal in the shaft. At first he was too paralysed to notice, but the same noise came eight, maybe ten more times. He had no idea what could be making the noise, but soon he did. Because its pincer smashed through the elevator door. He came back to his senses and ran to the door. He punched in the code and ran through, just as the thing that was now after him for some reason smashed through the elevator doors. And then it got even worse. The lights went out. He ran blindly over to the next door and punched in the code—but the power on the door was out he was trapped in the dark, helpless, with something that could punch through metal. He did all he could do…
Send a distress signal.
Distress Signal Sent
Signal Level: Critical
Crewman Death Imminent
Edmund had been furiously tapping parts of the panel in an attempt to convince the ship computer that he had access to the armoury. It wasn’t much of an armoury--more like a large locker of guns--and it had probably just been placed there to please the Legal Board of Interstellar Travel, since the last thing anybody expected on a cargo ship was a war breaking out. But the small number of small guns was--hopefully--all he would need. However, he couldn’t get any of them. After a short moment of desperately banging on the steel container, he had an idea. He pulled his communicator out of his rather handy multi-purpose belt and after tapping the screen a few times he was talking to the Chief Deal Adviser, Joseph.
“Joseph?” He said into the barely visible speaker. “I need you to help my access the-“
“I’m in the middle of something extremely important, Supervisor!”
Typical, Edmund thought, he had called him by his job title. Joseph always seemed to be trying to be as official as possible. That was probably how he had gotten the job. “More important than an imminent death?”
“It is an imminent death!”
“You too? Well can you give me access to the armoury?”
Without even saying yes, Joseph hung up, and less than a second later the armoury opened. Edmund took an LRT--much like a gun that shot high-voltage Taser electricity--and ran.
you should make this key sentence correct if you mean "with something that 'didnt' involve work at all. "
=Darky
Yes, that occurred to me just recently. I'll fix that once I get over my procrastination again, lol.
What kind of error? Please elaborate.
P.s. I'm not surprised I have these errors, this is very early on in the story.
"Quite" should be "quiet."
It's good so far, but there are many sections that just sound awkward to me. The most glaring one is "So it had saved him," but there are a few more. Secondly, I think you should add in some variety in word choice in the second paragraph. You use fairly twice in a row, and it sounds strange. Also, look over it for typos, etc. I think Im covered that, though.
As for where you should go from here, I recommend that you write out an outline of everything you want to happen in your story, from beginning to end. That should really help, an it will make the actual process easier. Other than that, I think it's fine. I'm interested to see where it'll go, and hopefully you'll update.
Thanks for your help, I'll definitely go over it again for errors and awkward-sounding parts, and making an outline of what happens next is a good idea, as I've been sort of flying blind. I may not update until it's al finished though.
to those who grieve
when thoughts keep drifting
as walls keep shifting
and this great blue world of ours
seems a house of leaves
moments before the wind.